Judging by this week, it seems like 2018 is turning into a horrible reboot of 2016, the year that took every celebrity. First R. Lee Ermey checked into the afterworld, then Harry Anderson followed him, then Barbara Bush, then Avicii, and now Verne Troyer.
The awful news was delivered on Verne Troyer’s Facebook page. The note says that Verne died today. He was only 49.
Anti-deceit activist Kanye West is more than just the modern day reincarnation of Søren Kierkegaard. He’s also a genius fashion designer. Have you ever been out on the streets and been intrigued by a man or woman in a neutral-toned leotard that Luke Skywaker’s Aunt Beru would have worn to Hot Figure 4? Kanye did that! And he also does shoes!
This wasn’t a known quality? Anything green and supposedly “healthy” will kill you eventually. Good nutrition is a myth. The evidence? I’ve been eating Lil Debbie snack cakes on the regular since I was but a slip of a girl and I’m still breathing. Barely, but still – breathing.
According to The Washington Post, public health officials are warning everybody to avoid “any types” of romaine lettuce because it may carry the reason some of us stopped eating at Chipotle for a long time: E. coli bacteria. Continue reading
Taylor Swift’s latest stalker made like Goldilocks at her NYC brownstone on Friday. TMZ reports that Roger Alvarado broke into her house, took a shower, and then napped! In this crazy criminal’s defense, she probably has an artificially intelligent shower with multiple heads that does your masturbating for you and a mind-blowingly cushy bed because the mattress is stuffed with puppy dreams and unicorn kisses. Continue reading
In actuality, it wasn’t that glamorous but everything can relate back to Drag Race if you’re clever enough.
Johnny Depp was told to beat it, creep by yet another law firm in the midst of suing his former business managers for $25 million. Deadline reports that NYC firm Michelman & Robinson, LLP has cut Depp loose. This was the law firm that was supposed to replace the last one. If it makes Johnny feel any better, Michelman & Robinson, LLP hasn’t banged Sean Penn. Yet. Continue reading
Money may not grow on trees, but apparently a much more precious and valuable thing does: an accordian-playing adonis in a black Speedo. Just when you begin to think that the internet can’t possibly top itself anymore, it spits out a magnificent video of a topless nerd stallion with a luscious mane gracefully falling out of a tree before playing the Nokia ringtone on an accordion. Jackson Parodi is a YouTuber with dozens of videos, and no, I haven’t see the rest of them, but I don’t need to in order to say that this is his greatest work in the history of his work.
Tarzan used to be the hottest piece to swing out of a tree with his nipples out until Jackson Parodi came long. Today, the answer to the question, “What are the ingredients to a big pile of hot fuckery?” is: a sexy drink of mustached hotness, an accordion, a tree, the Nokia ringtone, and a pair of black swim chonies. Jackson has me so mesmerized that I don’t even have the urge to scream, “Clean up that damn fucking room!”
And Jackson Parodi achieved the impossible by being the most delicious thing in the same shot as a bag of Milanos.