Okay, Which Drugged Up Actress Allegedly Bit Beyonce’s Face? 

March 26, 2018 / Posted by:

Tiffany Haddish either gives 0.0000 fucks about Beyonce threatening her with an NDA in song, or in that selfie above, Beyonce is whispering into her ear, “Now, I’m going to need you to tell everyone about that cracked out home wrecking trollop trying to get with my man, and I’m going to act like I’m mad about you spilling it, but keep on, keep on…” Because Tiffany has more to say about the messy night she met Beyonce.

Tiffany already said that Beyonce kept her from whooping the ass of a trick who was trying to become Jay-Z’s latest side piece, and now she’s telling GQ that the trick was on drugs and took a bite out of Bey. Whoever that cracked out actress is, she better start begging for the authorities to let her into the BPP (Beyhive Protection Program), because if there’s one thing that the Beyhive has (besides a crazed undying love for Beyonce), it’s the time needed to track down the evil doer who stabbed their Jesus in the face with her teeth.

While talking to GQ’s Caity Weaver, Tiffany burped up more details about the night that Beyonce wishes my favorite Mortal Kombat character (Solange) was there to issue a beat down on a bitch. At an after-party for Jay-Z’s show in L.A. in December, Tiffany says there was an actress who was “doing the mostest” and that included turning herself into Cape Fear (1991) Robert De Niro by trying to bite Beyonce’s cheek off.

“There was this actress there,” continues Haddish, keeping her voice low, “that’s just, like, doing the mostest.” One of the most things she did? “She bit Beyoncé in the face.”

“So Beyoncé stormed away,” Haddish says, “went up to Jay-Z, and was like, ‘Jay! Come here! This bitch—’ and snatched him. They went to the back of the room. I was like, ‘What just happened?’ And Beyoncé’s friend walked up and was like, ‘Can you believe this bitch just bit Beyoncé?’ ”

“And so then…,” she continues, “a lot of things happened.”

Tiffany says that she kept running into the actress. At one point, the actress told Tiffany to “stop dancing,” so she had enough and let Beyonce know she was about to take a trick to BeatDownTown. But Beyonce told Tiffany just have to have fun. Tiffany tried, but her fists were still itching to punch a Bey-biter, and when she let Beyonce know again, Beyonce told her the actress was high as hell.

“Near the end of the party,” says Haddish, describing her final run-in with Mrs. Carter sometime later, “Beyoncé’s at the bar, so I said to Beyoncé, ‘Did she really bite you?’ She was like, ‘Yeah.’ I was like, ‘She gonna get her ass beat tonight.’ She was like, ‘Tiffany, no. Don’t do that. That bitch is on drugs. She not even drunk. The bitch is on drugs. She not like that all the time. Just chill.’ ”

Tiffany wouldn’t name the actress, and Beyonce’s rep refused to comment. But Twitter is on the case. They’ve thrown around names like Lena Dunham, Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Schumer, and Gwyneth Paltrow. Chrissy Teigen tweeted that she thinks she knows who the drugged up Bey-biter is.

When someone guessed Goopy Paltrow, Chrissy said that it’s not her.

I’m going to go with the way-too-obvious-to-be-true guess (or is it?) and say Lindsay Lohan. But LiLo wasn’t trying to harm Beyonce. She was just trying to scrape a little bit of Beyonce’s DNA onto her teeth, because she knew the Beyhive would sell their families to buy it on eBay. Those Lawyer.com checks don’t pay all the bills.

Tiffany’s nugget about the Bey-biter wasn’t the only bit of WTF she delivered while talking to Caity Weaver. She also said that turpentine is the cure-all nectar of the medical gods. It must be true because she learned about it on YouTube…

“A teaspoon of turpentine will not kill you,” says Haddish with the breezy confidence of an unlicensed doctor. “The government doesn’t want you to know that if you have a cold, just take some turpentine with some sugar or castor oil or honey and it’ll go away the next day.”

Per Haddish, in the absence of 19th-century medical care, slaves drank turpentine—an oil distilled from pine resin, today commonly used as a paint thinner—as a cure-all for various ailments. When I note that slaves were not known for their excellent health, Haddish flips my argument into evidence: That’s because not all the slaves had access to turpentine.

“There’s worms inside your body,” says Haddish.

When Caity gave Tiffany info from the U.S. National Library of Medicine on the dangers of turpentine poisoning, she wasn’t buying it.

“The government wrote it. Honey.”

But Tiffany said that she’ll update Caity on how her next doctor appointment goes.

You know, I take back my Lindsay Lohan guess. I’ve got a new guess and it’s an M. Night Shyamalan-worthy twist. The Bey-biter was…..TIFFANY HADDISH HERSELF! Tiffany’s turpentine high was so strong that night that she doesn’t know she’s actually the one who tried to eat Beyonce. Case solved!

Pic: Instagram

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