Open Post: Hosted By Drew Barrymore Starring In A Musical From HELL!
Drew Barrymore was in one of the greatest movies ever made, Poison Ivy, and also in one of the greatest TV shows that existed, 2000 Malibu Road, so I used to think that she could really do no wrong. But that thought about Drew was torched from my brain as soon as I learned that not only did she sell her soul to the devil by signing a deal with CROCS (or “Crocth” as she probably calls them), but she also warble lisped out a song in a commercial for them. Oh, Drew, you know that there’s less offensive ways to come out as a Satan worshiper, like sacrificing a goat in the middle of a pentagram painted with blood. WHY, DREW, WHY? A check just ain’t a check if it comes from CROCS. It’s also a vow to spread the message of Satan throughout the land!
For CROCS’ “Come As You Are” campaign (Frances Bean Cobain, call your lawyers, girl), Drew did a little musical where she sings about how you don’t have to be perfect, or hot (and you won’t if you’re wearing CROCS), or bake a perfect cake, you just have to be comfortable in your own shoes. I blame La La Land for this.
That musical…
It’s like a promo video for a horrifying cult. I made the mistake of watching it several times and now that unholy ditty is stuck in my brain. I think they got me. I expect that sometime today I will black out and wake up in the parking lot of a DSW Designer Shoe Warehouse holding a bag filled with CROCS. And even worse, I’ll probably have another pair of CROCS on my feet after deciding to wear the ones I bought out of the store. Don’t make the same mistake I did by watching it more than once. Save yourself while you still can!
Pic: CROCS