Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 18, 2018 / Posted by:

The stunning hipster ice queen ensemble that Nico Tortella wore to his wedding to his queer polyamorous partner!

If you’ve ever wanted to see someone’s brains quickly melt and trickle out of their ears and eye holes, show a Catholic abuelita this story about a sexually fluid man and his polyamorous partner, who mostly dates women, wearing gender-blending ensembles to their city hall wedding. This story would make my abuelita hit herself in the head with her own chancelta to make sense of it all. This story is also porn for anyone who has ever written a Tumblr think piece on poly-queer-fluid-gender-pan-pizza-sexual-ness. And the gender fluid cherry on this pansexual polyamorous nuptial is Nico Tortella dressing like the kid from Where The Wild Things Are if the kid from Where The Wild Things Are starred as the title character in an experimental off-off-off Broadway production of Macbeth sponsored by Wamsutta. I love it.

Last year, Allison write about Nico Tortorella (he’s in Younger and was also in The Following) and his on-and-off-again polyamorous partner of more than 11 years Bethany Meyers. Nico identifies as pansexual and Bethany mostly identifies as gay. They’re together but they fuck and fall in love with others too. Bethany’s family couldn’t wrap their poly-phobe brains around that so they didn’t exactly welcome the two with poly-loving arms. But that didn’t stop Nico and Bethany from making their polyamorous love legal. They announced yesterday that they got married on March 9 at the city clerk’s office in Manhattan.

They both wrote about their queer polyamorous gender-fluid courthouse wedding on Them.us, and what they wrote would make even Tilda Swinton (who historians say invented polyamorous relationships and gender fluidity) say, “^^**~~“ **@@@***” That’s alien for, “Come again?“, by the way.

the day was march 9, 2018. 3/9/18. in numerology the 18 becomes a 9, so for all intents and purposes, we shall forever remember the day as 399. an angelic number if i’ve ever seen one. you see, 39 is a blessed count, and with an extra 9? this was entirely planned.

Cut to 399. A few months shy of 32. The wedding day. No guests. No flowers. No rings. My “dress,” consisting of trousers. His “tux,” gown inclusive. I suppose you would dub our wedding color white. It was certainly the most traditional thing we did.

Gown inclusive. Even Jaden Smith is like, “This is a lot.

But even though Nico and Bethany may be making many brains poot out question marks over the explanation of their wedding, they really got married for the same reason that lots of Americans get married: FOR THE HEALTH INSURANCE!

I told him I loved him, that I was going to have his kids regardless, and that I needed health insurance (true romance). “Let’s get married,” I told him. “No one has to know.” It was he who wanted it to be more grandiose, and I who felt timid about the prospect of planning a wedding (gender roles have never been our thing).

If you can handle the pretentiousness, read their entire piece here. They also included their vows. If I was marrying Nico, I may have picked up my gender-blending inclusive gown and walked out of that bitch as soon as he started saying his vows. Because two seconds into his vows, he hit Bethany up with math!

to vow
to solemnly swear solemnly promise
to dedicate to you my deity
be with me as you have before, forever more
soaring up on twelve years
three plus nine
march ninth
two thousand and eighteen lifetimes
eight plus one is nine
today three nine nine you are mine

Am I getting married or am I taking the goddamn SATs?

Congratulations to these queer polyamorous wedded love birds, and congratulations to me for getting to take in Nico’s ultra glamorous Jedi turned king of Burning Man hotness.

Pic: Instagram

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