In the Pussy Posse Den, Leonardo DiCatchAHo has told his bro-in-waiting Lukas Haas to check to see if newly single Gigi Hadid has reached old curdled hag age yet (read: 25 and over) and to also see if he’s ever dated her before. If not, order one of her from Victoria’s Secret STAT!
Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid tweeted today that after two years together, they are done with looking at each other’s faces on a regular basis and have broken up. Zayn is 25 years old, Gigi is 22 years old, and they’re both rich, hot and famous, so 2 years is like 200 years in average-looking non-famous normal ho time. So they should congratulate themselves for beating the odds!
After The Sun published a story about the fall of ZayGi, Zayn tweeted out some generic PR-written shit about how he’ll always cherish the time he had with Gigi, he has nothing but respect for her soul, he wants privacy and blah blah blah burp blah blah blah.
— zayn (@zaynmalik) March 13, 2018
Gigi’s official Twitter statement was a little less generic. She kept the door open to a possible return of ZayGi. Gigi may be as boring as vegan cheese, but I have to slow clap for her for putting a dramatic cliffhanger in her break-up statement.
— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) March 13, 2018
But Zayn may have shut that door hard, put a lock on it and ate the key, because he unfollowed Gigi on Instagram. That’s the millennial equivalent of changing your ex’s name in your phone to Fuck Them Don’t Pick Up, burning every picture you have of them and torching the cum rag you used every time you did it. It’s that serious! Gigi is obviously more than dead to Zayn right now, so I bet that at this exact moment, his twink asshole is clenching itself raw as a tattoo artist tattoos a pair of sunglasses over the tat he got of Gigi’s eyes on his chest.
This is the second tattoo of an ex that Zayn will have to cover up. Maybe Zayn just doesn’t like breaking up with anyone and knows that the easiest and most surefire way to kill a relationship is to get a tattoo of his piece. Good thinking, Zayn!