And on the next episode of the Scientology Network’s CSI (Church of Scientology Investigation): Clearwater, Detective Tommy Girl continues to investigate the threats against his precious church. “So the question becomes, Detective Johnny T, does ice cream make you gay…” *puts on sunglasses* “Or do gays make ice cream?”
Move over Comedy Central, because there’s a new hilarious comedy channel coming up on the scene. Your DirecTV DVR, Roku or Apple TV device will soon start to reek of lukewarm bullshit and burnt Thetans (which strangely enough, smell exactly like lukewarm bullshit), because The Hollywood Reporter says that Scientology has finally delivered a gift to the zero of you who have thought, “I really love all of these Scientology commercials and wish there was an entire network filled with them!” Xenu TV, the Scientology Network, will makes it debut on streaming services and DirecTV tonight. So if want to give Scientology some hits, and also want a reason to heave up your lungs tonight, you know what to watch.
Scientology tweeted this trailer, which looks like the “activities video” that plays in every room at a hotel in HELL. This video claims that the first show will take you inside the real Scientology. Funny, I didn’t see any clips of Scientologists getting beat in an ant-infested trailer in the middle of the desert, or clips of ex-Scientologists crying because their parents disowned them after they left. I’m sure Leah Remini could’ve provided Scientology with clips like that.
It's TIME for the Scientology Network!
— Scientology (@Scientology) March 12, 2018
Scientology has apparently been working on putting a TV network together for years. Over seven years ago, they bought the old KCET television studio near their Celebrity Centre in L.A.
As for what shows we can expect, I’m going to say that there will be plenty of reboots like a reboot of the game show I’ve Got A Secret called I’ve Got Your Secrets (And I’m Going To Use Them Against You To Keep You In This Cult), a reboot of Love Connection called Beard Connection starring Tom Cruise, and a reboot of Scientologist Elisabeth Moss’ show The Handmaid’s Tale, which be nothing but security footage of Shelly Miscavige at Gold Base. But seriously, this Scientology Network is good news for Jenna Elfman, because she’s had a few TV flops. And Scientology will definitely give her a TV show and they won’t ever cancel it as long as her checks keep clearing.