Someone text Brie Larson and let her know she can make her hands slap together for every award winner this year. Jennifer Lawrence and Jodie Foster will be presenting the Best Actress statuette together this evening, according to Variety. Normally last year’s Best Actor winner handles that task. But last year’s Best Actor was alleged creep in a beard Casey Affleck and it’s #TimesUp for the handsy types. No one wants torches and pitchforks to take the stage at the Dolby Theatre. That should only happen if Meryl Streep wins because it IS possible for one woman to have too many accolades.
It was revealed back in January that Casey Affleck was wise enough to pass on the presenting gig, and won’t even be attending the ceremony tonight. Maybe he’ll be over at the L Street in Southie, ripped on Bud Lights and shrieking “I NEVER TOUCHED THOSE BROADS!” at the TV. Affleck settled with the plaintiffs in two sexual harassment lawsuits brought against him by female crew members who worked on his 2010 mockumentary I’m Still Here. He might have settled with them but this is probably the worst time in history to be revealed as a lech.
Hollywood is all about “The Year of the Woman” tonight (or whatever bullshit phrase some PR dude came up with to desperately play catch-up with the times), so the Best Actor statuette will also be presented by the dream team of Helen Mirren and MISS JANE FONDA reprising their burning down of the runway at Paris Fashion Week last year. Every award should be presented by those two. Fonda can only improve upon their presence by:
A) Bringing back the shimmering ponytail of life that she sported at last year’s Emmys.
B) Taking a moment before the reading of nominees to drag Megyn Kelly‘s tried-it ass.
This year’s show will also feature a segment devoted to the Time’s Up legal defense fund.
On Thursday, it was announced that a moment has been carved out on the show for the Time’s Up organization, which launched a legal defense fund in January for those who have experienced sexual harassment, assault, or abuse in the workplace. Those efforts have already topped $21 million from 20,000 donors.
Hopefully this show of female solidarity will cause the hookers Harvey Weinstein hired to pleasure him while he rage-watches the telecast tonight to suddenly team up to lift his fupa so they can both punch him in the nuts at the same time. And then leave with all the money on the dresser. And the money in his wallet. And his car.