Hot Slut Of The Day!
By popular demand… Valentina Petrenko!
If you took Christopher “Kid” Reid’s rectangle fro, the elegant legs of an ebony grasshopper, 12 tubes of Bonne Bell blushing gel, the shoe box filled with expired makeup from the 80s that your mom keeps in the back of her bathroom cabinet, and a heaping spoonful of dandruff from the Bride of Frankenstein, and furiously mashed it all in a bowl using the head of Flattop from Dick Tracy, you’d get this spectacular vision of Russian flat top glamour. No dirty pot or pan would sit in your kitchen sink for more than two minutes if your Brillo pad looked as stunning as that. Baked-on grease would immediately disappear just from showing it that picture.
The delicate Russian orchid who looks like she’s being swallowed by a great wall of glorious pubes is Valentina Petrenko, a Russian Federation senator who represents the Republic of Khakassia. Of course, the people of Russia have long known about this flat top diamond who could break a trick in two with her hard brick of hair and could cut them with her gracefully-crafted scalpel brows.
I don't know anything about Valentina Petrenko except that I think I'm going to take a picture of her to the barber for my next haircut. pic.twitter.com/mtATgddCbX
— ShaneShane (@shaneisland) March 15, 2017
But Valentina recently made the rounds on Twitter because who wouldn’t be mesmerized by the stunning sight of SpongeBob’s human Russian auntie? Some Russians let us know that she’s already been made into a meme over and over again.
Yeah there are lots of memes for it pic.twitter.com/Tp6FpKNr2d
— Me from Russia (@ChronicleRussia) March 2, 2018
And Echo of Russian (via Newsweek) once asked her how she gets hair that looks like a fur cap that’s been permed and washed in the washer a hundred times. Valentina swatted that question away, and said that her fried Elvis pompadour on steroids is thanks to nature and hair pins!
“I’m so tired of answering these questions,” she said. “I just have curly hair. I lift it upwards with some hair pins, that is all.”
If by “pins” she means scaffolding and eight gallons of Quikrete, then I believe her. And the question that will haunt the rest of my nights is: if Valentina Petrenko and Chantal Biya met hair-to-hair would Chantal’s flame of beauty cause Valentina’s curly hair wall to crumble, or would Valentina’s curly hair wall snuff out Chantal’s flame of beauty? I’m going with the former.
Pic: AP (Thanks to all of you who sent this in!)