We’re a little more than two months away from the day that ER nurses and doctors pump my stomach of raw cookie dough, disco fries, cake batter and uncooked frozen corn dogs (it’s hard to cook anything while your heart is breaking, okay???) after I eat all my feelings while watching Prince Hot Ginge marry Meghan Markle. Because Kensington Palace wants to slowly and viciously torture us by releasing new details of the wedding every day, they said in a statement today that joining the Spice Girls and PHG’s exes at the wedding will be over 2,500 dirty commoners. Prince George’s stylist probably got a frantic note from him, telling them that they need to immediately track down a satin and gold embroidered mask to match his wedding day ensemble. Because he’s going to need to protect himself from the disgusting, simpleton fumes of the peasants!
Kensington Palace said that 2,640 people will be invited to Windsor Castle to watch PHG, Meghan, the royal family and the rest of the guests wave from their royal carriages and chauffeured cars.
Prince Harry and Ms. Meghan Markle have said they want their Wedding Day to be shaped so as to allow members of the public to feel part of the celebrations too. This wedding, like all weddings, will be a moment of fun and joy that will reflect the characters and values of the Bride and Groom.
In addition to the Carriage Procession in Windsor, they have today shared some further details of how the public will be involved on May 19th. Prince Harry and Ms. Markle have invited 2,640 people into the grounds of Windsor Castle to watch the arrivals of the Bride and Groom, and their wedding guests, at the chapel and to watch the carriage procession as it departs from the castle.
The 2,640 peasants invited aren’t going to be pulled off of the street. 200 will be from different charities that PHG and Meghan work with, 100 will be kids from local schools, 530 will be household staff of the royal family, 610 will be community members of Windsor Castle and the rest will be do-gooders nominated to attend by nine regional Lord Lieutenant offices. Those 2,640 people will not get to go into the church to see the actual ceremony.
So basically, 2,640 plebes have been invited to stand on the lawn outside of the party. How gracious and charitable of PHG and Meghan! This is almost as bad as the time that my friend borrowed some wine glasses from me for a big party and didn’t even invite me to the fucking party. Two things:
- Those peasants better preserve their voices by not speaking for a week before the wedding, because they’re going to need strong vocal cords to properly cheer and scream for the royals or else they’ll be sent to the dungeon!
- Those peasants better wear a good pair of running shoes, because as soon as the processions ends, the royal guards are going to rid them from the grounds by unleashing the most vicious of THE QUEEN’s Corgis on ’em.