Up until 4 minutes ago when I was looking for a cute animal video to counter the grossness here today (see: Ryan Seacrest’s existence and Kevin Smith’s dick, which strangely enough probably looks like Ryan Seacrest), I had no idea what a quokka was. A quokka may sound like the name for taking a caca during an earthquake, but it’s much cuter than a shaky shit. The quokka has been called the “world’s happiest animal,” which is a lie to me. Obviously the happiest animal in the world is the dog who gets to make out with Tom Hardy.
The quokka (pronounced kwo-kuh) is a nocturnal marsupial who is a member of the wallaby family and can only be found on islands, like Rottnest Island, in Australia. They’re a tourist attraction there, and it seems like they’re attracted to tourists too, specifically the food of the tourists. Last week, a visitor to Rottnest Island says that they were having drinks at an outdoor pub when a quokka moseyed on up to them to get some food. But instead of giving the quokka food, one hot bearded blond piece gave ’em a face rub. That quokka was loving it and had itself a good old-fashioned face orgasm. Note to self: If you want a rub down and some love from a hot bearded blond piece, be a quokka.
They really are the happiest animals in the world, because any other animal would’ve bit the trick for giving them a stupid massage instead of food. You can’t fill your stomach with a dumb face rub. And about that face rub…
UPI says that touching a quokka is illegal and a human could get a fine for doing so. So maybe that quokka isn’t so friendly and nice after all. Maybe that quokka knew the human would get in trouble and thought, “Since these cheap, greedy fucks ain’t going to feed me, I’m going to let them pet me so that the video can go viral and the authorities will track them down to give them a fine!” Oh quokka, you shifty genius, you.