If Fergie Was Going For “Extra Horny Jessica Simpson After Hardcore Dental Surgery,” She Nailed It!

February 19, 2018 / Posted by:

The makers of Alocane emergency burn gel are popping bottles of champagne this morning since sales are probably at an all-time high from people running their asses out to Walgreens to buy some as torturous flames burned their eardrums from Fergie shrieking out the National Anthem last night. She sounded like a deranged cat doing the worst Amy Winehouse impersonation ever as someone shoves its tail into a garbage disposal. But while many are reporting Fergie to the authorities for viciously murdering their sense of hearing and the National Anthem, I’m saluting her for sharting out the most entertaining version of the Star-Spangled Banner (more like the Dirt Star-Mangled Banner) since The Cheetah Girls. Fergie’s rendition was a masterpiece from her sexily strutting up to the mic like somebody’s drunk mom doing Marilyn Monroe’s Happy Birthday, Mr. President number to her thinking she killed it at the end. She killed it alright, and she also killed millions of eardrums and face muscles from cringing so hard. This is the version of the National Anthem we deserve right now, honestly.

Two months after she slathered the stage with extra chunky messiness at the Trevor Project Gala by creating a sweet nectar-induced scene, Fergie took to the court at the Staples Center in L.A. to “sing” the National Anthem before the NBA All-Star Game Staples Center. The crown jewel of Hacienda Heights (No sarcasm. I grew up in the town over and Fergie, Caprice and the vegetarian buffet at the Buddhist temple are the best of Hacienda Heights) mouth farted out something you’d get if you blended up a warped cassette copy of Maya Rudolph’s singing, Billie Holliday’s snoring, a bottled of watered down Spanish Fly and Marvin Gaye’s sexed-up version of the National Anthem. But while Marvin Gaye’s version made the bald eagles fuck non-stop, Fergie’s version broke the boners of the bald eagles and made them cry. If you haven’t already seen it, get into Fergie’s beautiful scat disaster.

And besides that “horny drunk auntie at karaoke” performance, the best part was the facial expressions of the players and the people in the audience.

Their reactions ranged from side-eyes of judgement:

To “Is this really happening right now?“:

To “Yes, this is really happening right now and it’s awesome“:

To Jimmy Kimmel loving it:

Even Roseanne, the Queen of Butchered National Anthems, knows it’s time for her to give up the crown to Fergie.

But maybe Fergie knew exactly what she’s doing and is a subtle activist. Maybe her take on the National Anthem was commentary on the current messy state of this country. And maybe she was trying to make Trump and other anti-kneelers get on their knees at the beginning of a sports event to beg her to stop. Well played, Fergie!

Pics: YouTube

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