Brace Yourselves For The “Jennifer Aniston Is Crying Heartbroken Tears On Brad Pitt’s Shoulder ” Stories, Because She And Justin Theroux Have Split Up
Those magazine sources blatantly lied to us all! How will we ever trust magazine sources again! They told us in late-December that everything between Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux was fine, but I guess they took a Christmas break trip to Cabo to do tequila shots off of each other’s stomachs one last time, because they announced today that they’re done with each other after 2 and a half years of marriage and 7 years together.
49-year-old Jennifer and 46-year-old Justin went the fancy route by giving their break-up statement to the Associated Press:
“In an effort to reduce any further speculation, we have decided to announce our separation. This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year. We are two best friends who have decided to part ways as a couple, but look forward to continuing our cherished friendship. Normally we would do this privately, but given that the gossip industry cannot resist an opportunity to speculate and invent, we wanted to convey the truth directly. Whatever else is printed about us that is not directly from us, is someone else’s fictional narrative. Above all, we are determined to maintain the deep respect and love that we have for one another.”
I’m a little surprised that their statement didn’t include the line: “We’ve cried ourselves dry while making this hard, sad decision, but thanks to SmartWater®, Aveeno® moisturizer and Eyelove®, were rehydrated again and going to be okay.” Jennifer’s team is slipping!
Honestly, this one kind of made me gay gasp. Jennifer is in the newest Architectural Digest, talking about how her new mansion is the perfect cozy home for her, Justin and their dogs. Them splitting wasn’t on my radar and I figured she’d bounce on his magnificent bulge for at least another few years. I mean, she mostly lived in L.A. smf he mostly lived in NYC, and it seemed like they only got together for vacations and events. And they didn’t have kids. That sounds like the perfect marriage to me.
And it seems like ever since Jennifer and Justin got together, there’s been regular tabloid covers about how he’s crushed her baby dreams by walking out on her. The last tabloid to say that was Life&Style in this week’s issue. They said that Justin dumped Jennifer on February 11th. Sure, they were off by a couple of months and they did the same cover last year, but it looks like they got it this time.
And inside every tabloid office right now, the editors and writers are probably screaming at each other about if they should go the “Poor Miserable, Can’t Keep A Man Jen Dumped By Justin Theroux After He Moves In With His Mistress” route, or do they go the “Jen And Brad Engaged! Angelina Livid Over Her Rival Becoming Her Kids’ Stepmother!” route. I say they say fuck it and go with: “Brad’s Exes Find Lesbian Love With Each Other After Angelina Offers Her Ex-Rival Jen A Warm Crotch To Cry On!”