We already know that the President of the United States is an incredibly healthy stable genius who respects women and would never cheat on his wife. And you can’t go claiming these facts are “fake news” because we learned them direct from the horse’s ass (or “rear facing mouth” if you want to be technical about it). Donald Trump is a beacon of good health and septuagenarian vigor. That’s why it’s so surprising (and sad!) to see this great man brought low by something so seemingly benign as a stiff breeze. But that’s just what happened as the leader of the free world (sorry world, we’re keeping it) ascended the stairs of Air Force One last Friday. A treasonous wind struck him from behind, revealing a vulnerable pink skull, much like the body of a blind, newborn mouse.
Here’s the day America lost its innocence.
Now we all know what it felt like when Luke pulled off Vader’s mask. My favorite part is when Trump triumphantly turns around gives that little “I’m ok mom!” wave at the end like he’s about to board the bus for a summer at Camp Pussygrabem.
So what’s going on here exactly? I’m sure many theories abound. Here’s Tom Arnold’s (which really should be considered the final word on all matters of great importance).
Scalp reduction to be specific. They remove a big patch of scalp so they don’t have to fill it in with plugs & then sew it up & you get a mini face lift https://t.co/bNRMfU5sLS
— Tom Arnold (@TomArnold) January 7, 2018
It that’s true, aren’t we supposed to alerted if the president has to be put under anesthesia? We’re we a heartbeat away from waking up to a President Pence surprise? What other “Island of Dr. Moreau” style abominations are going on in that White House that we don’t know about? Could it be that Ted Cruz is actually part blog fish? We, The People, have a right to know.