The British royal wedding of the century is still over two months away, but I guess the royals are not like my cousin who called me two hours before her courthouse wedding to say, “Bitch, I’m getting married at the courthouse in two hours, do you want to come or what?” Because they’re getting ready to send out invitations, and one of those invitations might not end up in The Original Fergie’s mailbox.
One British tabloid source says that The Original Fergie (seen above next to a dead turkey who crashed into a plate charger on her daughter Princess Bea’s head) was banned by Prince Hot Ginge from attending his wedding. Another British tabloid source says that PHG fought to invite his fellow ginger and won. What is the truth?!
The Sun’s source claims that Fergie isn’t on the list of 600 guests, because PHG doesn’t trust that she’ll keep her mouth shut. Fergie not going to PHG’s wedding is going to make things really awkward at her daughter Princess Eugenie’s wedding in the fall, because many members of the royal family will be at both weddings. But The Daily Mail’s source says that PHG isn’t the one who wants to blacklist his dear ginger auntie from his wedding.
The source claims that Prince Charles and Prince Philip are the ones who don’t want Fergie at the wedding. They feel that Fergie has tarnished the royal family’s image with her antics, like trying to sell access to her ex Prince Andrew for $750,000. It’s reasonable and makes sense for Prince Charles and Prince Philip to raise their pristine noses at Fergie since they’ve never had scandals or done anything messy.
The source claims that PHG fought with his dad and grandad about inviting Fergie.
“It has been made very clear by Buckingham Palace that they don’t want the Duchess of York to attend. With every wedding there is an issue over who to invite, and this time it’s very much been the ‘awkward aunt’ problem. It has thrown up a massive headache for the two palaces [Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace, where Harry is based].”
Buckingham Palace was apparently open to Fergie getting an invite to the wedding’s after-party in the nighttime, but PHG insisted she get invited to the ceremony. (Side note: I’m changing my name to His Colours To The Mast, hoping that PHG nails me next.)
“Harry has nailed his colours to the mast on this. He wants his aunt there – and she will be. He absolutely, 100 per cent wants her there and has told palace officials that in no uncertain terms. “
Fergie didn’t go to Prince William and Duchess Kate’s wedding in 2011. She told Oprah that she wasn’t invited and so she went to Thailand instead.
If The Daily Mail’s source is right, then fuck Buckingham Palace with a Corgi’s lipstick. Princess Michael of Kunt will probably be at the wedding, and I’m sure she’ll offend Meghan Markle’s family by being herself. And Prince Philip will definitely be there and he’ll definitely offend Meghan Markle’s family by asking them who do they “sponge off.” But yet Fergie’s the problem?
The only questionable thing Fergie would do is wear a hidden camera in her hat so she can sell footage of the reception to the tabloids. That’s not even a bad thing. It’s a service to humanity. Because we, the people, deserve to see grainy footage of PHG pulling off Meghan’s bridal garter with his teeth on the dance floor.