Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 18, 2018 / Posted by:

The pawnbroker (as played by the legendary Cathy Moriarty) in last night’s premiere of The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story!

While watching the first episode of Ryan Murphy’s latest camp extravaganza The Assassination of Gianni Versace (or as Nomi Malone definitely calls it The Assination Of Guy-ahni Versayce), I had several questions:

  1. Why isn’t Ricky Martin doing all of his scenes in a huevos-suffocating white Speedo like the promo materials led me to believe? False advertising!
  2. Why am I thinking that Darren Criss is actually doing a good job playing a creepy, annoying, over-the-top sociopath? I did not expect to feel this. But then again, Blaine from Glee was annoying and over-the-top and was mostly likely a sociopath. Anybody who feels no remorse after viciously butchering I Still Believe is a lunatic.
  3. Where did I put my remote, because I really need to turn on closed captioning since my ears are not registering what is coming out of Penelope Cruz’s mouth. Penelope Cruz wearing fake teeth (she was, right?) while doing a raspy, lispy, low thick Italian accent to play Donatella Versace made her sound like she’s got the worst case of laryngitis ever and just got shot up in the mouth with ten gallons of novocaine. Nailed it?
  4. IS THAT FUCKING CATHY MORIARTY?! Why didn’t she get top billing?!

Cathy Moriarty, star of Soapdish, Raging Bull, The Mambo Kings, But I’m A Cheerleader, The Gun In Betty Lou’s Handbag (and much, much more), was in last night’s episode for a quick minute. She had two little scenes and a tiny handful of lines. She played a pawn shop lady who bought a coin from Andrew Cunanan (a coin he stole from one of his victims) and sent the sale forms (with Andrew Cunanan’s real name and address on them) to the Miami Beach Police Department a full week before Versace was murdered. The real-life pawnbroker was Cuban. Whitewashing aside, Cathy Moriarty stole the show with her gorgeous straight-from-a-swap-meet-in-the-90s shirt. Let’s be real, she should’ve been Donatella, but I’ll settle for her as the pawn shop lady.

Last night’s episode was probably Cathy’s one and only, but since Ryan and company are taking a few creative liberties with the story, then I’m going to hope that in the last episode, we find out that the pawn shop lady has been trying to track Cunanan down to get revenge on him for selling her stolen shit. And before he kills himself, she finds him, tackles him, performs a CITIZEN’S ARREST on him and turns him over to the police. The last line in the series should go to the pawn shop lady who will say, “Nobody messes with the pawn shop lady!”

Pic: @EWTimStack

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