Gwyneth Paltrow Got Engaged

January 8, 2018 / Posted by:

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Remember before there was a new gruesome rape story everyday and clowning on at-home coffee ass douche hawker Gwyneth Paltrow was one of our favorite things (it falls between raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens)? Those were heady times. Let’s resurrect that sort of feel-good reporting with a post on Gwyneth Paltrow getting engaged. She’s marrying American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk

They announced their engagement, naturally, on Gwyneth’s ridiculous-advice-and-severely-overpriced-products-for-rich-snots online hellscape GOOP (via US Weekly).

“We feel incredibly lucky to have come together at this juncture in our lives when our collective successes and failures can serve as building blocks for a healthy and happy relationship,” the couple wrote in a statement in Goop magazine.

THAT’S her engagement announcement? Where’s the “we’re probably destroying our relationship by getting hitched” part?

Let’s translate!

1. “…our collective successes and failures” means “when we got back together after we broke up multiple times because I’m an insufferable snob and he works 2,000 hours a week constantly making TV shows with Ryan Murphy.

2. “…serve as building blocks” means “he’s learned his lesson and has accepted my utter delightfulness despite my insistence on him using wombat semen as a facial moisturizer.

3. “…healthy and happy relationship” means “we’re getting married but I can’t just say it because I’m the most pretentious celebrity eye roll-inducer since Madonna started with that British accent bullshit.”

Gwyneth recently demonstrated that her relationships are way more highly evolved than yours by having brunch with Brad and her ex Chris Martin. You can check out the cover of the “Gwynie’s Engaged!” issue of GOOP magazine above. According to People, it’s a very special issue.

In addition to staring in a loved up black-and-white cover shoot together, the couple also share some sweet messages about their love and how happy they are to be taking this next step together.

I love you more than this $12,000 ash twig comb I use to shape my brows and pubic bush.” – Gwyneth’s idea of a sweet message of love.

Pic: GOOP

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