The day before Donald Trump and Steve Bannon went from tongue boning each other in the asshole to eating each other alive (and definitely not in a sexy way), the Trump son who isn’t Don Jr. or Barron, decided to remind people that he exists by putting on his tin foil MAGA cap to say that he believes that Ellen DeGeneres is a secret member of an organization that is trying to undermine his dad. (SPOILER ALERT: The organization that is trying to undermine Trump exists in Trump’s head since it’s his own brain.)
Eric Trump probably thought that his daddy and brother were going to toss him a Scooby Snack for uncovering a huge BOMBSHELL all on his own when he tweeted that Twitter suggested he follow Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and Ellen. When Twitter suggested those three to Eric, he probably had a bigger AHA moment than the time he realized that the Crayola logo has a smile in it while coloring in the White House play room with his babysitters. Eric thinks that Twitter is shoving Deep State members on him.
— Eric Trump (@EricTrump) January 3, 2018
I guess Eric has never heard of something called an “algorithm.” Hmmm… Maybe Eric is on to something, though. Algorithm sounds like “Al Gore rhythm,” and I bet Deep State (which is a state that Eric’s brain will never been in) hypnotizes people into joining their group by making them watch a tap dancing Al Gore.
Ellen’s show is pretty politics-free, and that’s not to say she doesn’t cover horrifying things. I mean, she mom dances every day and has singing kids on her show. But yesterday, she brought up Eric Trump since he brought her up. Here’s a piece of what she said:
“So I have some questions. First of all, which one is Eric? Did he kill the elephant or the cheetah? Which one, I don’t know… Second, what is Deep State? If it’s near Dollywood, I’m in it if it is.
Apparently Eric Trump thinks Twitter is trying to trick him into following liberals. Apparently I’m part of some secret government conspiracy called Deep State. Have you heard of Deep State, anybody? Neither had I. I found out that Deep State is supposed to be a group, they believe, is trying to undermine Donald Trump, which is ridiculous cause no one has undermined Donald Trump more than Donald Trump. I just want to say, Eric, I am honored you think I’m powerful enough to be part of a government conspiracy. I’m sorry to disappoint you, I am not part of the Deep State. Even if someone wanted me to be involved I don’t have that kind of time. I’ve got my gay agenda meetings on Monday. On Wednesday, Beyonce and I host an Illuminati brunch. And Portia and I are the weekends are desperately trying to have a baby.”
That’s such a Deep State thing to say, honestly!
Ellen also said that Twitter may have suggested Eric follow her since both Ivanka and Tiffany follow her. Ellen then said that Eric should follow her since she posts cute animal videos, like a video of a pussy massaging a dog. If you watch close enough, though, that pussy is obviously massaging the initials DS (Deep State) into that dog’s fur.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) January 4, 2018
But seriously, Eric doesn’t know who he’s fucking with. We’ve all heard the stories (like the one from Kathy Griffin) about how Ellen may come off as America’s Sweetheart who wouldn’t even frown at a fly but behind-the-scenes is so fucking mean that Lucifer takes tips from her. Ellen may be charming Eric with cute animal videos while on her show, but if she ever runs into him, she’ll fuck him up more than genetics already has. She’ll have him crying harder than the time his daddy made him sit with Tiffany at the children’s table (it was last week).