A little over three long months ago, the loyal disciples of Chip and Joanna Gaines’ giant clocks cult cried magnolia scented tears into their Magnolia Market brand fake eucalyptus wreaths after the two announced that they were quitting their really fucking popular HGTV show Fixer Upper after 5 seasons. At the time, Chip and Joanna burped up an explanation saying that they’ve decided to end their show to focus more on their family. I took “focus more on their family” to mean that they’re going to focus on getting more $$$$ from a different network that will pay up to see them renovate a house the same damn way over and over again. But yesterday, the Gaines’ announced that she is carrying the newest member of their barn door army.
43-year-old Chip posted the above picture on Instagram of him working a “Michael not sucking in” gut and 39-year-old Joanna working a “Michael sucking in” gut, and he also farted out this little caption.
Gaines party of 7.. (If you’re still confused.. WE ARE PREGNANT)
And if you’re still confused, Chip is just pregnant with manufactured zaniness and reclaimed wood chips, while Joanna is pregnant with a human.
The fetus growing inside of Joanna’s shiplap-covered womb will be their fifth kid. They have two daughters (11-year-old Ella and 7-year-old Emmie Kay) and two sons (12-year-old Drake and 9-year-old Duke). Joanna posted the ultrasound scan of the fetus that I hope likes gay-hating churches and a giant BLESSED sign hanging over their crib that was made with wood from the floor of an old rustic chicken coop.
Joanna didn’t say how old the fetus inside her is, but while tweeting out hints about her pregnancy last night, Chip said that he busted a raw (but elegantly distressed, I’m sure) nut up into her after a Johnnyswim show in Waco.
Hint #3 You might recall a few months back.. the ever amazing, ever romantic @JOHNNYSWIM was in Waco. And they put on a little too romantic of a concert.. anyways, one thing led to another, & we are officially pregnant. And I could not be more EXCITED! #5 #7ThePerfectNumber
— Chip Gaines (@chipgaines) January 3, 2018
Johnnyswim played Waco on October 13, 2017, so if Chip wasn’t just telling jokes (he probably was) and was telling the truth, then one of his jizz fished successfully swam into Joanna’s baby making area about a month after they announced they were done with the show. So this baby may not be the reason why they quit their show. But I’m still going to believe that this baby and them quitting their show are just smoke clouds to distract us from the ESCANDALOSO exposé on how Chip and Joanna are fraudulent fakes who really live in an ultramodern house filled with concrete and steel and hate shiplap so much that she barfs into a modern steel bucket every time she looks at that ugly shit.