Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 2, 2018 / Posted by:

The cookie thief squirrel who pulled an ultimate “You won’t take me ALIVE!” by coming at the cops!

I’ve paid tribute to shameless thieving squirrels before, but this one is an extra kind of special. Because this squirrel really is devoid of fucks to give and it’s crazier than… well, crazier than a criminal, cooking-loving squirrel in a New York kitchen. On December 29, the Brockport Police Department in Brockport, NY posted on Facebook about how two of their cops, Officer Sime and Officer Dawson, were called to a house where a squirrel had ALLEGEDLY broken in and ALLEGEDLY stolen cookies. Brockport PD shared a highly entertaining clip from one of the officer’s bodycam.

The brave officers dared to venture into the house where they faced the scariest thing to terrorize a kitchen since my sister tried to cook something on Christmas Day (and she’ll launch at me like this squirrel in 3..2..). The officers found that the squirrel had turned on the radio and was wreaking havoc. When they stepped forward, that squirrel used a cutting board to come at a cop.

Despite the fact that they’re always getting a nut, I would never want to be a squirrel. But if there is a time to want to be a squirrel, it’s when you’re stealing cookies from a house and lunging at the cops. Because if that squirrel was a human, it’d be spending it’s New Year’s in the morgue.

And somewhere there was a meth head missing their stash, because this squirrel definitely took it and ate it. Bitch is coming into 2018 like…

The cops said that they were able to catch the squirrel and release it back into the wild. So the City of Brockport better be on high alert for a badass no-fucks-having squirrel who may break into their kitchen to eat their cookies and turn on their radio. I wouldn’t really care if this squirrel stole my cookies, but I may be mad at it for turning on the radio, depending on what song was playing. If it was a Chainsmokers song, I’d press every charge imaginable against that squirrel. That’s death penalty-worthy shit.

Pic: Brockport Police

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