Vin Diesel Is The Highest Grossing Actor Of 2017

December 30, 2017 / Posted by:

The Rock must be especially pissed over this. He hates that candy-ass! Fast and Furious franchise star (and ham & cheese sculpture muse) Vin Diesel is 2017’s top grossing actor. The global take on his movies was $1.6 BILLION. 2017 must have been as awful a year as believed, because people worldwide obviously needed the distractions. We’re not talking Streep or Day-Lewis here. His best role is Groot, and Groot’s got one line and he’s CGI.

Forbes reports that the latest Furious flick (Fate of the Furious also starring an unfortunately dreadlocked Charlize Theron) made $1.2 billion globally. The latest in the XxX series also assisted Vin in his win, making almost $350 million worldwide. Honestly, people just like watching candy-colored cars evade missiles. No one needs art. And who were the former Street Sharks spokesleatherdaddy’s runners-up? Dwayne Johnson must REALLY be pissed because The Rock came in second to his arch-enemy! He despises Vin! They even had a catball scratchfight in the press in 2016 (which was probably contrived to sell movie tickets)!

(Despite it possibly being fake, that battle should be relived as a season of Ryan Murphy’s Feud. It would be the gayest season ever and this is a show that featured Joan Crawford and Bette Davis.)

It was a close race, with Dwayne coming in at $1.5 billion at the box office. Forbes is blaming Baywatch’spaltry” $178 million take (despite Zac Efron in a speedo) for his loss to Vin. And let’s hear it for Diana Prince and the bad-ass bitches of Themyscira because Wonder Woman’s Gal Gadot was the third highest-grossing actor of 2017.

In not-so-great news, this probably means that Vin’s next round of singin’ and dancin’ vids are going to have higher production values and longer running times and will probably evolve into him performing original material. Stop going to Vin Diesel’s movies. It would be a humanitarian gesture. Please.


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