In the wake of Matt Lauer emerging as an alleged serial workplace creep, the higher-ups at the network have issued strict orders of how to handle sexual harassment, and it goes something like this: Point at the doll where one of those sneaky snake Dateline anchors did something to Peggy in accounting or your ass is no longer going to have a job.
Page Six reports NBC’s new anti-sexual harassment clause basically states to sing like a canary if you catch a whiff of anything wrong going on, or risk getting fired. I assume that also means that horrifying boob grab drag performances at Halloween left Studio 1B along with Matt. The new rules also include the proper way to hug someone and how to socialize, per a snitch:
“…there’s been a series of ridiculous rules issued on other office conduct. One rule relates to hugging. If you wish to hug a colleague, you have to do a quick hug, then an immediate release, and step away to avoid body contact.”
The source also said there should be no office canoodling, which really is going to be what sends ratings on a platter to Good Morning America since 90% of the reason anyone watches the Today show is to try and read if there’s any sexual tension when an anchor kicks it over to someone in the Orange room:
“Romantic relationships at work are not exactly unusual, but now NBC says it is taking a zero-tolerance approach. Staffers have been told that if they find out about any affairs, romances, inappropriate relationships or behavior in the office, they have to report it to human resources, their superior or the company anti-harassment phone line. Staffers are shocked that they are now expected to snitch on their friends.”
I’m sure Hoda Kotb will know who snitched on her if any of the tips to upper management come in the form of a gospel ballad! NBC News is requiring employees to take a course in anti-harassment training and is conducting a “cultural assessment” of the news division, which I assume means all those creepy locks under the desks will go away. However, the most interesting tidbit of all of this is what vegetarian got pissed off at a holiday party hosted by Morton’s Steakhouse and somehow got the last laugh passed in a round of anti-sexual harassment rules, per the same source:
“Also there’s strict rules about socializing, including [not] sharing taxis home and [not] taking vegans to steakhouses.”
What?! Now this is some bullshit, NBC! There is nothing worse than having to deal with Uber surge pricing due to a passing cloud, and now production assistants are going to have to pay it all instead of splitting with a coworker who lives nearby because NBC thinks the back seat of Toyota Prius is a hotbed of office fucking! And and and! How are Hoda and Kathie Lee Gifford supposed to have a proper holiday Christmas (you know KLG is the type to say there is a war on Santa) party if they can’t pair their red wine with a 24 ounce porterhouse?! Dammit, Matt Lauer! You’ve done more to torpedo this channel than Miss White Santa on the 9AM hour ever could!