Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are In Couples Counseling With That Hipster Pastor Dude

As we know, irritating shithead Justin Bieber and the current physical embodiment of “look at your life, look at your choices” (aka Selena Gomez) are in couples counseling. People is now saying that they’re getting counseled by Hillsong Church’s “cool” pastor and  muscly messianic figure Carl Lentz. Sources say that they’re trying to avoid the “same patterns” from their previous relationship(s). You could always avoid the “same patterns” from your previous relationship by not getting back into it because it was toxic and he’s a douche. Just a thought. Actually, who cares what they do? We should care about the time Selena put out a song in which she referred to her lover as “metaphorical gin and juice.” Why hasn’t anyone filled out a police report about that crime?

Justin has been slayin’ and prayin’ those sins away with hardbodied Pastor Carl for awhile now, and he obviously has to fulfill the most important directive for cult church members – BRING ME MORE CONVERTS TO DAZZLE WITH MY ABS AND TOUR-ENDING “YOU DO YOU, DAWG” ADVICE.

Officially, Justin and Selena just “working on their relationship with the church’s help.” Unofficially, they’re assisting Pastor Carl in purchasing several tracts of land in the jungles of Guyana where they’ll probably build an encampment called Lentztown. No, this is all because Justin and Gomez are coming from different places in life or something equally ridiculous-sounding. Different places in life? They’re both 20-something pop stars with too much money and not enough sense. It’s not like she was a serious businesswoman and he was the homeless guy outside of her skyscraper.

According to a Gomez insider, the “Wolves” singer, 25, and the “Sorry” singer, 23, are coming into their reunion from different places in life.

“They don’t want to repeat the same patterns as before,” says the Gomez insider. “They’ve clearly had issues in the past, so they’re receiving some guidance from Carl.”

Pastor Carl’s roided counseling has apparently been working wonders. Selena is reportedly A-OK now with Justin chatting up his ex, model Hailey Baldwin. This was the issue that supposedly sent them off to seek help for their love in the first place.

She at first wasn’t thrilled that he had been in contact with people from his past, but now she wants him to do whatever it takes for him to move forward,” says the Bieber source. “If that involves apologizing to people in his past, she doesn’t mind.”

A 23-year-old celebrity and a 25-year-old celebrity are going to repeat the “same patterns” in their relationship until one of them realizes that they’re 20-something celebrities and it’s probably better to find someone else to get on if therapy with a cult church leader is necessary to sustain their relationship. 20-somethings should only be in couples therapy if there’s a baby involved and they’re trying to make it work. Otherwise, go swipe right on someone else.

Pic: Hillsong Channel