Nothing says Christmas like an overgrown majorette with one drunken breast staggering to the right. 2017 was almost on par with the previous year when it came to the amount of awful. But whereas 2016 was “The Year Everybody Good Died,” 2017 was “The Year Of Rape And Buffoonery.” There’s far too many examples to list, but this year was just one depressing revelation after another. It didn’t look that way at the starting gate. Mariah Carey’s waking nightmare (hers) of a NYE performance seemed to foreshadow a year of hilarity and mirth. Nope. It’s ok because Mariah’s returning to Times Square for a triumphant comeback performance. If she gets her old voice back and somehow pulls it off, maybe that means 2018 will be a year of peace and prosperity? I kid, North Korea is totally going to blow us up.
For those lambs who have probably repressed the memory, Mariah took to the stage without a soundcheck. Divas don’t need to rehearse! Mariah went on to give a monumental performance that was one part technical difficulties, one part shady sarcasm, and every other part absolute fuckery. With an instant classic like that kicking off the year, we figured Trump would immediately be impeached and and no one talented would die in 2017. Again – nope. Well, the powers that be are taking pity on us. Mariah will once again grace ABC’s stage in Times Square! The only thing that could make this NYE party train any more festive is if it ran over Jenny McCarthy while the Spanxmaster General phones it in again up top.
TMZ reports that Mariah will be the “featured performer” on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve which will be hosted by Dick Clark usurper Ryan Seacrest.
The fallout from Mariah’s last-place-at-the-Talent-Show level performance from last NYE was almost as entertaining as the show itself. Mariah blamed her earpiece. And then she blamed Dick Clark Productions, claiming they intentionally sabotaged her ass. Dick Clark Productions (and Seacrest) blamed her, opining that she was as haughty and unprepared as a diva should be. They must have reached some sort of detente. Both sides obviously realized that Mariah lighting up social media with another shitshow of a performance could rake up those ad dollars.
You can also delve into this performance knowing full well that she can’t sing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” because Santa Claus will already have come and gone by then. Nothing else could foreshadow yet another mess of a year like having to watch that horrible anthem of shit performed live.