According to TMZ, Mel B’s Christmas gift this year is her signature on several dotted lines and a celebratory “YOU’RE FREE, BITCH!” cocktail. Her divorce from the somewhat terrifying-sounding Stephen Belafonte has finally been finalized. Goodbye sex tapes and (allegedly) blackmailin’ nannies! Hello, hopefully better choices in men! Honestly, someone should have sat her down and chatted with her about poor choices way back when she got with Eddie Murphy.
Legal documents tell us that a judge has officially dissolved Mel and Stephen’s unnatural disaster of a union as of yesterday. They merely have to work out the division of property. Who gets Nanny Lorraine? Probably Stephen, right?
Throughout their divorce proceedings, Mel had accused Stephen of behavior that would have made me hop on the Spice Bus and drive it into the next time zone. Mel claimed that he regularly beat and drugged her throughout their marriage, forced her into threesomes with women and then blackmailed her with the sex tapes, and that he knocked up the nanny. The “film producer” (who pled “no contest” when he was up on domestic violence charges in 2003) also supposedly kept guns in the house. Scary Spice was obviously rarin’ to lace up her platform sneakers and get the eff out because she dropped her charges of spousal abuse and the restraining order she had against him to facilitate all of this.
Mel, a Spice Girl eternal and a longtime judge on America’s Got Talent, will share joint custody of their daughter Madison, 6, with Stephen. Stephen’s impending holiday got even happier as its also been confirmed that Mel will pay him $15,000 a month in spousal support. Maybe he can use that money to buy a nicer phone with better zoom capabilities if he plans to resume making sex tapes with Nanny Lorraine? And if Stephen and Nanny plan to market that footage, might I suggest “A-Zig-A-Zig-Anal” as the title?