By the way, that headline note was for me and only me, probably.
The milking of Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle’s wedding details produced a tiny drop last month when Kensington Palace announced that they will get married at St George’s Chapel sometime in May 2018. It was rumored that they were going to try to steal the spotlight from dead American soldiers by getting married on Memorial Day Weekend. But today, Kensington Palace announced that PHG will marry Meghan on May 19, 2018. (They’ll announce the time at the next milking.) May 19, 2018 is a Saturday, so there goes every British person’s dream that PHG and Meghan will marry on a weekday and it will be declared a Bank Holiday. They fucked you over. Call the British equivalent of your congressman now!
Kensington Palace tweeted this message today:
His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales and Ms. Meghan Markle will marry on 19th May 2018.
Today’s announcement follows earlier confirmation of the month of the wedding and its location at St George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle.
Now that we’ve got a date, we can start speculating on more details:
What will Meghan Markle wear? SPOILER ALERT: She’ll wear a sumptuous gown made from the hair that us haters pulled out while screaming about her engagement news. (I know that I’m being a conceited bitch for saying, “sumptuous,” but I have been using a pretty good coconut oil hair mask.)
What song will Meghan Markle sashay down the aisle to? SPOILER ALERT: The St George’s Chapel Choir singing their rendition of the Trina classic Killing You Hoes.
Who will walk Meghan Markle down the aisle? SPOILER ALERT: A giant Sony 4K HDR TV displaying a You Mad? GIF on a loop.
But seriously, the good thing about PHG and Meghan getting married on May 19 is that it’s also National Devil’s Food Cake Day. So when my loved ones find me on May 19 with empty Entenmann’s boxes around me and in a half-comatose state after ODing on sugar, I can say, “No I didn’t pathetically eat my feelings over PHG’s wedding! I’m just celebrating National Devil’s Food Cake Day!”