Documentarian Morgan Spurlock spilled his own beans last night and let the world know that he has a history of sexual misconduct before anybody else could. Morgan, who had a moment back in the early aughts with his popular Super Size Me documentary, has admitted that he’s been accused of rape in the past. In an essay titled “I Am Part Of The Problem”, Spurlock also admits that he’s paid an employee off in a sexual harassment case. And that he is a cheater. And a drunk. And that’s he’s an all around world-class asshole. And that he’s been sweating out these post-Weinstein days asking himself, “When will they come for me?” Sounds refreshingly honest, doesn’t it? Well, plot twist! The statement is garbage.
Let’s start with the “R” word. Morgan admits that he was accused of it in college (via Twitlonger, where you can read his entire statement. Hmm, isn’t Twitlonger pretty much a Super Sized Twitter and didn’t we already decide with Morgan’s help that Super Sizing is bad?!).
When I was in college, a girl who I hooked up with on a one night stand accused me of rape. Not outright. There were no charges or investigations, but she wrote about the instance in a short story writing class and called me by name. A female friend who was in the class told be about it afterwards. I was floored.
Oh Morgan, where to begin? If she says you raped her, that is an “outright” accusation, regardless of whether the authorities are involved.
Morgan goes on to describe the events of the night in question and if he had replaced all the “we” statements with “I” statements he’d be halfway to an honest accounting.
“That’s not what happened!” I told her. This wasn’t how I remembered it at all. In my mind, we’d been drinking all night and went back to my room. We began fooling around, she pushed me off, then we laid in the bed and talked and laughed some more, and then began fooling around again. We took off our clothes. She said she didn’t want to have sex, so we laid together, and talked, and kissed, and laughed, and then we started having sex.
According to Morgan, the woman said something cryptic about seeing a Light Bright (the toy, not a bright light summoning her to the afterworld, THANK GOD) and began crying so “we stopped having sex” and he tried to comfort her. Again with the “we’s”! I know this guy is used to writing his own dialog but your mea culpa is meaningless without self reflection. Tell us what YOU did if you want the brownie points for owning up.
Morgan also talks about the time he used to call his assistant “sex pants” and when she quit, and asked him to pay her off, he agreed. He says he’s cheated in every relationship he’s had. Then he channeled Jamie Foxx and blamed it on the al-al-alcohol and said he’s basically been drunk for the last 30 years, was abused as a child and suffers from depression. Morgan says he’s part of the problem and that we’re all part of the problem. He also claims he’s now part of the solution because while his french fries may be happy meal sized, his honesty and bravery are Super Sized even though he’s the reason you can’t order them that way anymore. So really Morgan, thanks for nothing!