As 2017 Spews Fiery Smegma On Us Peasants, Taylor Swift Is Having The Best Year EVAH!
And yes, I should tell you in advance that this post was co-written by Bitter and Petty. (“Aren’t all your posts?” – you)
When 2016 repeatedly punched all of us in the taint with a fist covered with glue and broken glass, we didn’t think it could get any worse. But then 2017 came along like, “Oh bitch, but it can…” Anyone who’s doing one of those Year In Review pieces, or whatever, has it easy this year, because they can sum up almost everything that happened in 2017 with one picture:
But at least someone is raising her $1,200 Baccarat crystal flute filled with pureed diamonds and is toasting to 2017 while we all beg for mercy and prepare to sell our good kidney to pay for PornHub if Net Neutrality gets killed. Taylor Swift turned 27 yesterday, and after she opened her present from her cats (a “World’s Greatest Mom” diamond pendant that she bought herself), she thanked her fans for the born day wishes and gushed about having such a great year. Taylor IS that girl at school who laughs and eats ice cream in front of the detention room windows while everyone inside has to keep quiet as they write an essay about why they’re in detention.
Bitterness and pettiness about someone celebrating their birthday aside, the noted Nazi non-disavower did have a pretty good year. Her album Reputation sold over 10 million copies, her arch rival’s album flopped, she got herself another British boy who signed a long-term contract and she disbanded the squad (so she doesn’t have to pose with those lesser celebrities for Instagram likes anymore). Sorry, Rooster, but 2017 is really the Year of the Snake!