Everybody Calm Down: Chris Brown Bought That Monkey For Himself

December 12, 2017 / Posted by:

All you bleeding heart monkey lovers out there who were ready to crucify Chris Brown for buying a baby monkey for his kid can kindly extinguish your torches. It turns out Chris didn’t buy his daughter a pet monkey after all. He bought it for himself. Quick, somebody get a lighter, we’ve got to light all these torches back up again!

TMZ reports that Chris actually bought Fiji (that’s her name) for himself about two months ago after cuddling with his friend Mally Mall’s primate pet. TMZ also claims that Chris was inspired by Bubbles, Michael Jackson’s pet chimpanzee.Fiji lives at Chris’ house and his daughter Royalty will only be able to visit her there. Which is a shame because I’m pretty sure Royalty would be a better monkey parent than Chris.

Of course none of this makes the fact that Chris bought a pet monkey any better. Monkeys are wild animals. Remember that lady Charla Nash whose friend had that pet chimpanzee (perhaps inspired by Bubbles herself) that attacked her and ripped her face clean off? She had to have a FACE TRANSPLANT. A literal Face/Off! Now, I know Fiji’s just a little gal but she’s gonna grow and sooner or later she’ll realize who the enemy is. Fiji may not be able to deliver a full removal of Chris’ face but she might perhaps puncture an eye, eat an ear or whatnot to remind Chris that wild animals are just that, wild animals.

Alas, it probably won’t come to that.  Chris will probably tire of Fiji soon enough and she’ll be shipped off to some pet sanctuary where she can live out her days in relative peace with OG Mally and The Ikea Monkey.

Pic: Instagram

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