If FitBit made a solid gold one that’s covered in diamonds, and one of Mimi’s benefactors gave one to her, it would get about as much action as I do. Us peons were given legs so that we could walk or whatever, but Mimi was given legs so that pureed diamonds and pink dolphin jizz could be slathered on them by shirtless boy toys on a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean somewhere. And it looks like Mimi sits so much (case in point: Mimi being pushed on her rolling throne) and is so used to being in the sitting position that she can sit on air. Mimi IS Magic. She can sing without opening her mouth, and she can sit without the help of a chair. Chairs are officially over!
Mashable pointed me toward a video on Twitter of Mimi holding court around her lambs at a show last week. And while signing autographs on her lap for them, she sat on a chair that wasn’t there. Everything is Mimi’s throne, even the air. And women everywhere are probably pfft-ing at this shit, because they’ve almost done this exact position while squat pissing in a bush on the side of a freeway during a road trip.
— Mariah Carey Italia (@MariahCareyITA) December 1, 2017
Someone on Twitter, who obviously has her PhD in TheHeelSit, explained that Mimi’s magical sit move didn’t happen because of magic. It happened because of science (and the layers of Spanx she probably had surgically attached to her body):
this is the heel sit. it works especially well if youre wearing something tight. dont ask me how, i guess its from your legs squishing together and from the added hieght off the ground from the heels and the resistance from the tight dress, but its a thing
— Molly Dooling (@littlestdooling) December 2, 2017
Whatever the reason is, the outcome is the same. Mimi’s boy toy Bryan Tanaka is totally getting his allowance cut for the next couple of weeks. Bryan is supposed to be waiting in the wings watching for his mistress to start straining her legs to sit, and as soon as she does, he’s supposed to make like a stool by getting on all fours behind her. But he didn’t! He’s so in trouble. You had one job, Bryan! No, I think that’s literally his one and only job.