Just a few days after the future Duchess of SuckIt and Prince Hot Ginge shanked, kicked, pissed on and spat at hearts everywhere by getting engaged (for being charity-doing goody goodies, they are so fucking selfish!), they worked their first waving and smiling job as a couple in Nottingham today. It’s World AIDS Day today, so Meghan Markle and PHG bestowed their royal presence upon the Terrence Higgins Trust charity fair at the Nottingham Contemporary Centre. Meghan wore a navy coat from designer Don’t Even Ask Since That Shit Is Sold Out I’m Sure and PHG also wore a navy coat. If they’re going to give us all the dry heaves by being that lovey-dovey couple who coordinates their outfits, can they please work an event in matching Speedos and crop top navy coats (it’s cold in England, I don’t want them to freeze to death)? Do something for us, the people, for once!
Before going inside, Meghan and PHG greeted their subjects. One loyal subject, a fellow ginger, asked PHG how it feels to be with a girl like Meghan. What that peasant was insinuating is that since PHG is a ginger, he can’t possibly land a beautiful woman like Meghan Markle. That hot bald royal bodyguard behind PHG obviously heard this exchange and did nothing! That bodyguard should be shackled in the dungeon, and so should that peasant for committing treason by basically calling PHG ugly to his face! That man’s family will have to move to another country, change their names and chop down their family tree so that nobody knows they’re related to him. He has brought shame upon his family. Or maybe he was just making a ginger joke…
— Rebecca English (@RE_DailyMail) December 1, 2017
As Meghan and PHG did the hardest job in the world (and I’m not being that sarcastic since pretending to like people sounds like hell to me), their minions were busy planning their wedding, like coming up with a way to keep Pippa Middleton’s magnificent ass from the cameras so it doesn’t upstage another royal wedding. The wedding will probably be televised, and I’m sure the Royals will shout out to us bitter bitches by airing commercials for butthurt cream and Ben ‘N Jerry’s Forever Alone ice cream (uncooked cake batter with bits of raw cookie dough and cat hairs in it).
It’s also been reported that Meghan and PHG will get married on Saturday, May 26, which falls on Memorial Day Weekend in the U.S. There they go being selfish again by taking away the spotlight from the American men and women who died serving this country.
But seriously, May 26 is less than six months away, and that doesn’t give me enough time to move to the UK, find a passable Corgi costume, infiltrate the palace, join THE QUEEN’s pack of Corgis, get Meghan to like me the most and make me the ring bearer at her wedding. (Meghan left one of her dogs in Canada so I have less competition.) That way I can get into the wedding and jump out of my Corgi costume when the priest asks if anyone objects to their union. And if that plan doesn’t work, I can always stay in London and get a job with one of the tabloids as head the
fanfiction news writer on the Meghan And Harry Divorce Watch beat. I may as well put my bitterness to use, fully.