Archives: November 2017

Open Post: Hosted By Prince George’s Christmas Gift List 

November 30, 2017 / Posted by:

We’re less than a month away from International Parents Go Broke From Buying Their Kids Stupid Shit They’ll Play With For Twenty Minutes Day, and so you children better get in your lists right away. I sent “Santa” (my mom) my Christmas gift wish list weeks ago. Strangely enough, it was returned to me with the words, “Returned To Delusional Sender, With Love, ‘Santa,’” written with a Sharpie on the envelope. Weird, I know. My list was 45 pages long and really heavy, so I probably just didn’t put enough postage on it. I’ll fix that today, but anyway…

4-year-old Prince George is really, really rich and he could get whatever he wants by summoning his servants with a bell and telling them to get whatever he wants. But even he wants something from Santy Claus for Jesus’ born day. Prince William is in Finland, and during a visit to Esplanade Park’s Christmas market in Helsinki, he handed Santa his son’s wish list in front of a bunch of paps. Santa is stupid. He should’ve grabbed that list real quick and hid it from everyone. He could’ve sold it to The Mirror for a big stack of cash. But instead he showed it to everyone. And there’s only one thing on Prince George’s list:

That can’t be right. A police car? If Prince George walked up to a bobby and told him he wanted his car, that bobby would have to hand over the keys. It’s written on a royal scroll somewhere! So my guess is that what Prince George meant is that he wants a police car… to escort his royal carriage to the palace where THE QUEEN will do what’s right by handing him his rightful crown and declaring him THE KING!!!!! That’s what he meant, obviously.

Pic: Getty

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Jim Nabors Has Died 

November 30, 2017 / Posted by:

Jim Nabors’ name is trending on Twitter today, and whenever a man in Hollywood makes the news in these times, people probably automatically think that he’s been accused of doing illegal acts of wrong sexual shit. But you won’t see any “Groper Pyle” headlines from The New York Post today. Jim Nabors is trending on Twitter, because he has sadly gone on to the great beyond. He was 87. And may that gorgeous beaded jacket go to the afterworld with Jim, because it deserves a prime spot in heaven’s Museum of Glamour.

CBS News says that Jim died this morning at his home in Hawaii. Jim’s husband, Stan Cadwallader, says that after Thanksgiving, his health went downhill. Jim spent some time at the hospital, but they ultimately decided to bring him home. Stan says that Jim died of natural causes.

Your auntie, second cousin thrice removed, hairdresser, favorite In-N-Out employee (we all have one) and everyone else knows Jim best as Gomer Pyle on The Andy Griffith Show. Jim was supposed to play the ditzy gas station attendant for just one episode, but he was so popular that he became a regular and gaw-leeeee’d on for 23 episodes. That led to his own spin-off show, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., which ran from 1964 to 1969. Jim played Gomer Pyle again in 1986’s Return to Mayberry and on an episode of the 90s sitcom Hi Honey, I’m Home!

Beyond Gomer Pyle, Jim was also in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, The Carol Burnett Show, Knight Rider, The Love Boat and The Sonny & Cher Show. His variety show, The Jim Nabors Hour, ran from 1969-1971. It came back for a minute in 1978.

Jim came out as gay in 2013 when Washington passed their marriage equality law. That’s when Jim married Stan, who was his partner of 38 years at the time. Contrary to that rumor your grandma probably helped spread, Stan was Jim’s first and only husband. There was an untrue rumor that Jim married Rock Hudson in the 1970s.

Rest in peace, Jim Nabors. You are now in heaven, brushing the earholes of the angels with your deep velvet voice:

Pic: Getty

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Geraldo Rivera Defended Matt Lauer On Twitter, Then Kept Digging

November 30, 2017 / Posted by:

I think it’s pretty widely accepted that Geraldo Rivera is an asshat. I, for one, never forgave him for that whackadoodle Al Capone’s vault stunt. Thanks for literally nothing, Geraldo! Now Geraldo is making headlines again by aggressively defending his pal and recently unearthed letch Matt Lauer. Geraldo #tooktotwitterwithavengence with a series of tweets not only defending Matt, but also giving us his nuanced take on workplace romance and offering solutions to the problem of women who just don’t get it.

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Armie Hammer Quit Twitter Because It’s “Toxic”

November 30, 2017 / Posted by:

Why do I get the feeling that someone on the internet is rushing to edit together a video of Armie Hammer dancing to Britney Spears’ “Toxic” at this very moment.

Armie Hammer deleted his Twitter account earlier this week after a BuzzFeed post made him feel bad feelings. It was a dark day for fans of Armie Hammer’s devastating social media burns. Armie spoke to TheWrap during a screening of Call Me By Your Name in Los Angeles on Tuesday night and was asked why he deleted his Twitter account.

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