There’s exciting news coming out of The White House this morning! The government wants to host a contest! First prize is a golden (well, gold-ish, it’s more a Crayola orange color) trophy made from the hair that collects in the drain in President Donald J. Trump’s private shower!
Trump #tooktotwitter this morning to make the announcement.
We should have a contest as to which of the Networks, plus CNN and not including Fox, is the most dishonest, corrupt and/or distorted in its political coverage of your favorite President (me). They are all bad. Winner to receive the FAKE NEWS TROPHY!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 27, 2017
You’re probably asking yourself, what lies have the media been spreading today to warrant such an unprecedented (and frankly, difficult to fathom from a logistic perspective) tournament of the fourth estate? Well, this week the press has been going extra hard with “the lies” about alleged pedophile and Alabama senator Roy Moore. They’ve been “lying” on Roy just like they been steady “lying” on Donny from day one. Word? Word. The New York Times says that Trump believes the allegations against his boi Roy are false, just like the allegations against Trump himself are false. As false as that Access Hollywood tape that he already admitted was real and apologized for. Say what? What. Turns out that shit was fake! According to the Times:
But something deeper has been consuming Mr. Trump. He sees the calls for Mr. Moore to step aside as a version of the response to the now-famous “Access Hollywood” tape, in which he boasted about grabbing women’s genitalia, and the flood of groping accusations against him that followed soon after. He suggested to a senator earlier this year that it was not authentic, and repeated that claim to an adviser more recently. (In the hours after it was revealed in October 2016, Mr.Trump acknowledged that the voice was his, and he apologized.)
Well, shit Donny, why didn’t you say something earlier! That’s a serious allegation. So like was it actually Alec Baldwin? Like did Alec have a Trump impression in his back pocket as early as 2005 on the off chance that you’d become president one day and he and a cadre of leftist secret society baddies from the not yet existent Obama administration would need a silver bullet to save the world from an nuclear annihilation at the hands of Kim Jon-Un who at the time was still a pimply kid? The tape was fake and the media lied to us? Unbelievable!
Look, I get it. Donald can come off as an abrasive, sleazy, hateful, dangerous mess, but that’s just because you don’t really know him. He’s a family man! If he says the news is fake, with the exception being Fox News, then the news is fake. If he says that his boi Roy is a great guy because (via NYT) “he says it didn’t happen” well then it didn’t happen. And of course just because you heard Donald on that bus with your very own ears and he acknowledged that what you heard was factual, that doesn’t mean it actually happened. Donald is the Truther in Chief and what he says goes!