“Yes, bitch, I’m holding on to my future husband and your imaginary man while you’re holding on to nothing but everlasting loneliness and an undercooked bagel covered with cold low-fat cream cheese from Aldi.” – Meghan Markle in that picture, because she obviously knows I exist and knows that I’m trying to eat a bagel that I covered with cold low-fat cream cheese from Aldi before realizing it didn’t cook right. This Monday is already ass fucking me without lube.
Starting at the hour of It’s Too Fucking Early For Anything AM today, I started getting texts from people giving me their condolences. I thought that someone had died! Or worse, that In-N-Out had filed for bankruptcy and was closing down all locations immediately. But the only thing that died was my dream that Prince Hot Ginge would suddenly wake up gay (because yes, that’s how it happens) and decide that his perfect type is an old, bitchy, skinny fat blogger from America (the direct opposite of no fats, fems or Asians, basically). Prince Harry got engaged to Meghan Markle! You know the news is serious when I use PHG’s real name.
After years and years of hearing about an “imminent” engagement announcement, the British Royal Twitter pages burped out the news that 33-year-old PHG and
Future Princess Meghan 36-year-old Future Duchess Meghan got engaged in London earlier this month and will get married in the Spring. They’ve been together for about a year. Meghan’s parents and the Royal Family gave their own statements. Even THE QUEEN wished PHG and Meghan happiness as she fought the feeling to faint again over an American divorced biracial ex-Deal or No Deal briefcase girl joining the Royal Family.
The Prince of Wales is delighted to announce the engagement of Prince Harry to Ms. Meghan Markle. pic.twitter.com/zdaHR4mcY6
— Clarence House (@ClarenceHouse) November 27, 2017
Ms. Markle's parents, Mr. Thomas Markle and Doria Ragland have wished the couple 'a lifetime of happiness.' pic.twitter.com/H4kpTgpkYE
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) November 27, 2017
The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh are delighted for the couple and wish them every happiness. https://t.co/aAJ23uSbao
— The Royal Family (@RoyalFamily) November 27, 2017
After leaving Suits, Meghan has now moved to London and has already started her new job of being a professional Royal Smiler And Hand Waver. PHG and Meghan posed for photographers in a garden at Kensington Palace, and she flashed the ring made from my dried tears. The Kay Jeweler’s Special is actually made up of one diamond from Botswana and two from Princess Diana’s personal collection.
Here’s the thrilling video from Meghan’s first official day on her new job. Meghan and PHG are going to need a spa week in the Maldives, because not only did they do hard labor at a photo call, but they’re also doing an interview with the BBC later today. Meanwhile, many Brits are probably thinking, “Okay, but do we get a bank holiday or not?”
— BBC Breaking News (@BBCBreaking) November 27, 2017
Everyone is now wondering exactly when and where the wedding will be. That will be announced soon, apparently. But I hope that PHG and Meghan will get married in front of the Lindo Wing door on the day that Duchess Kate births out her latest kid. Because if we have to look at that damn Lindo Wing door for hours, we should at least get a good sight of PHG popping a wedded boner while kissing his new wife.
Meghan wore a coat from a Canadian label, and its site crashed minutes after these pictures ended up online. She hasn’t even married PHG yet and she’s already a royal. The second a fashion site crashes due to some shit you wore at a photo call, you officially become a royal.