After reading that post title, be my guest and mirror every single “blank stare” GIF ever posted.
Liberal guilt junkie Mackelmore has put his normal wailings of “WHY ME? WHY AM I A WHITE RAPPER WHO HAS SO MUCH??? WHY DO THEY AWARD ME GRAMMYS WHILE BETTER RAPPERS GO HUNGRY?!?!” aside to promote his new record (sans Ryan Lewis) called Gemini. The album must be below par cuz’ he’s breaking out the weird stories to distract us. Weird stories like how he uses that painting of a nude Justin Bieber that he bought to delay his orgasms. Wouldn’t that mean he’s NEVER going to have an orgasm? Is this post actually about how Mackelmore is the chastest white rapper in the game?
As a refresh, here’s Exhibit #A. You’re welcome, those of you who also want to delay your orgasms. Permanently. Poor Mrs. Butterworth.
HuffPost says that Mackelmore went on Watch What Happens Live this week and explained the origins of his owning the painting to a secretly titillated Andy Cohen.
“I bought it on Etsy as a white elephant Santa gift that at the end of the night just stayed at my house,” Macklemore told host Andy Cohen. “No one took it.”
I’d rather have an actual white elephant using my home as a toilet than that painting. Mackelmore says that he’s “very proud of it” and its value as a newsmaker.
“And it’s become a huge headline. Like, Macklemore owns a naked Justin Bieber dick pancake painting.”
It’s all we talk about around the dinner table. The worst part of this story was when the man who brought the Nazi undercut back into vogue (yeah I did it, too, and my part hasn’t been the same since) revealed that he and his wife sort of have threesomes with the painting. In a manner of speaking.
“So it goes right above my bed and whenever I’m with my wife intimately, I can always stare at it if I want to control my orgasm,” he said. “Just slow it down.”
Those of you who are cringing might feel a little better when you realize that he could have said he used it for the very opposite purpose. On a related topic, Usher just asked his staff if “anyone has seen my naked Justin Bieber dick pancake painting lying around?”