People reports that Keegan-Michael Key’s divorce from his ex wife Cynthia Blaise was finalized just days before he announced his engagement to his next wife Elisa Pugliese. I felt badly for Cynthia because she and KMK were married for 206 Hollywood years, she supported his ass when he was trying to make it, and she had a really rough time physically and emotionally when they were in the process of divorcing.
Thankfully, it looks like KMK has agreed to a very generous divorce settlement (or was forced into one, either way, yay). It’s almost enough for me to forgive him for using the “she said yes!” line in his engagement announcement which is the straight male equivalent to “he went to Jared!”. Gross. And grosser.
According to People:
In the judgement, the Key and Peele star has been ordered to pay Blaise, an actress and dialect coach, $34,000 per month as well as 21 percent “of his gross annual income from all sources in excess of $2,153,846,” according to the documents, but “the total spousal support payable from [Key] to [Blaise] each year shall not exceed the sum of $700,00 gross.”
See, sometimes money can buy happiness. Or if not happiness, which is fleeting and hard to quantify, it can buy goods and services which can lead to feelings of contentment and vindication. Cynthia was also awarded $655,649 for her share of their assets as well as the their timeshare. But here’s the real coup! Cynthia gets to drive off with the couple’s 2016 Subaru Crosstrek *sad trombone*. Thankfully they didn’t have children so nobody needs to shed too many tears over the situation. Cynthia gets a generous support package, KMK gets to marry his new lady love Elisa who, in turn, gets to live with a certified and licensed clown! That’s what I call a win, win, honk-honk ah-ooga!