I really, really hope that on a 200-foot yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean right now, Mimi is luxuriating on the backs of three of her naked boy toys as several Swedish masseuses gently massage oil made from diamonds into her worn out limbs and hooves as her current rented boyfriend Bryan Tanaka changes her IV bag full of champagne. Because Mimi did hard labor yesterday in Hollywood.
As her friend Brett Ratner’s career floated by in the sewers below, Mimi was at TCL Chinese Theater getting the kind of treatment she should’ve gotten from Hollywood after she gave them the flawless artistic gift that was Glitter. As Boy Toy Bryan and director Lee Daniels (who also spoke at the ceremony) watched, Mimi depended on the kindness of strangers (whom she’d cut with a rhinestone shank if they dropped her delicate ass) to press her $900 Louboutins and exquisite unicorn paws into a box of cement during her hand and footprint ceremony.
It’s nice to see that Mimi finally got rewarded for her contributions to cinema, but Guinness World Records should’ve also been on hand to officially name her as the current record holder for the longest breath ever held in the history of humanity. Thanks to always being wrapped in several Spanx cocoons, Mimi hasn’t taken a real breath since 2010. Even her chichis and suffocating feet look like they’re begging for oxygen. Who cares about that shit called “breathing” anyway? Glamour first, breathing second, dahlings!