Those who say that journalism is dead will eat their words when reading HuffPo’s report on the discovery of what they think is First
Complicit Daughter Ivanka Trump and her senior White House adviser husband Jared Kushner’s Spotify playlist for bonin’. To those of you who naturally assumed the list would feature “Let’s Fuck” by The Dwarves, my condolences. It turns out that nothing gets Ivanka and Jared slippier than a sexless, whiny James Blunt ditty about stalking. “Jar Jar, tonight I want to cum to ‘You’re Beautiful!’ Make it happen or I’LL TELL DADDY!“
The list, which is titled “991122” and also features John Legend, Bruno Mars, and (really?) Adele, is only five songs and 21 minutes long. So Jar Jar might not be a two-pump chump, but he’s definitely not going long distance on her nethers.
Ivanka and Jared were married on Oct. 25, 2009 and “the list was made just 10 days before the couple’s anniversary,” so it’s obviously for that White House guest room sex (Ivanka would never risk jizz on her own 9000-count sheets at home.) And how do we know this is actually Ms. Trump’s Spotify? via Ashley Feinberg for HuffPo:
The Spotify account, for instance, definitely belongs to Ivanka. Back in 2014, Ivanka Trump shared her “Weekend Morning” playlist on her website, IvankaTrump.com. The embedded list — which contains such aggressively uninteresting hits as “Send Me On My Way” by Rusted Root and “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson — was created by the same Ivanka Trump who created the apparent 21-minute sex playlist in question.
John Legend, I guess I can see. Bruno Mars is tiny and annoying, but he could be used as a dildo, so that could have some sort of kinky meaning to them. But Adele? Understand, I love Adele as much as the next cliched homosexual. But she’s for overdosing on buffalo wings cuz’ you just got dumped and had already picked out baby names. Adele isn’t sexy. Adele is for when love jumps off a bridge out of romantic despair. Adele does not equal hitting it from the back.