Even though Anna Faris and Chris Pratt gave every twentysomething basic bitch (yours truly, included) a heart palpitation in the middle of yoga class when they announced they were done, there’s plenty of Chris tea in Anna’s new memoir to keep the Haus Of Basic Bitch entertained while they wait in line for a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Anna and Chris were the long-reigning cUte$t couple eVAAAARRRR, but you might have forgotten that she was married before to Ben Indra. Anna was married to Ben when she met Chris on the set of Take Me Home Tonight. Anna writes that when Ben ditched plans to visit her on the set, shit-stirrer and co-star Topher Grace asked her what she was doing with him. via UsWeekly
“And after Indra failed to impress during a visit to the set, Grace asked her ‘what the fuck are you doing with that guy?’ Her response: ‘I don’t know.'”
Anna decided to end it with Ben just as she was getting close to Chris Pratt. But Anna totally swears up and down that there wasn’t any overlapping on-set fucking, which I believe just as much as I believe that the Queen of England caps her daily booze consumption at four. Anna was really eager to dry her newly single tears on Chris Pratt’s peen:
“She couldn’t deny a spark between her and Pratt. ‘I called Ben and told him over the phone that I was leaving him, and then went to set and was like, ‘Hey everybody! I just left my husband,” writes Faris. ‘Pretty soon I was knocking on Chris’ door and was basically like, ‘Hi. I’m ready to get boned.””
Speaking of on-set dalliances, Anna addresses how she was a little weirded out by the whole “your husband is SO fucking Jennifer Lawrence” narrative the tabloids took when Chris filmed Passengers with JLaw. But it sounds like the only people who got fucked in relation to that movie were the people who shelled out money to actually see it in theaters. Plus, JLaw apparently made a point of being “friendly” to Anna. She writes:
“Jennifer and I really are friendly, and she was apologetic even though she didn’t need to be because she hadn’t done anything wrong.”
Mmmhmm! If anyone should know about co-star boinking, it’s Anna! Plus, if kindergarten snack time taught us anything, it’s to keep your friends close and keep your fart joke-telling enemies closer. Anna’s being all nice here, but I’m sure Chris really came home each night from the set to Anna blaring “Smell Yo Dick.” When she went to sniff, the dick tried to be relatable by saying how many shots of tequila it had done and then repeatedly fake fell down a flight of stairs. And that’s the real reason for why Anna and Chris broke up, per my unauthorized memoir addendum to her memoir. THE END.