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October 15, 2017 / Posted by:

Singles by Gerber!

When I was a teenager, I knew a few messes, mostly ravers, who wanted everyone to know that they were so edgy and so fucking hardcore that they ate baby food for nearly every meal. We’d all be sitting at Taco Bell and they’d pull out a baby spoon and a jar of Gerber mashed bananas like a total freak. These baby barf-eating ravers also sucked on pacifiers after they dropped Ecstasy. I know, I should’ve never hung out with those losers. Because if you’re going to role play as a baby, you better caca in a diaper exclusively and only talk in coos and gagas. Commit!

But those ravers were born way too soon (or maybe Gerber Singles were way ahead of their time). In 1974, Gerber decided that what college students and single 20-somethings really needed in their lives was adult baby food. Because you know, after a night of guzzling down bottom-shelf booze, nothing hits the spot like creamed beef that looks like an anal cream pie.

Gerber sharted out Singles by Gerber for on-the-go youngins’ who were so on the go that they wouldn’t notice that they were eating crap that looked like it came out of someone’s ass.

I guess 20-somethings in the 70s figured out that if they eat Singles by Gerber, they’ll be single forever, because it flopped and was a major, messy fail for the company. But you know, I don’t think Singles by Gerber was the worst idea. They just marketed that shit all wrong. They shouldn’t have marketed it toward college students. They should’ve marketed it toward us miserable and sad lonelies who don’t have time to make a real meal, because we’re too busy crying over our intense sadness on the living room floor. And adult baby food would be perfect for us, because it’s also hard for us to chew a meal as we’re bawling about how we’re going to die alone while surrounded by the carcasses of our pets who died years before. Gerber could’ve called it Forever Alone by Gerber. Now that would’ve been a hit!

Pic: Nestle/Gerber

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