Aerosmith had to cancel a few shows at the tail end of a tour in South America due to “health reasons” relating to Hamptonswear enthusiast Steven Tyler. And since we’re all a little jumpy these days, especially considering that we just lost Tom Petty, people freaked out and speculated that Steven was in a bad way. According to a statement on the band’s website, some folks thought that Steven had suffered from a heart attack or seizure. Well, Steven wants everybody to calm the fuck down! He’s fine.
According to Steven’s ALL-CAPS statement (via Rolling Stone):
“IT BREAKS MY HEART TO HAVE LEFT THIS TOUR EARLY…THE BAND HAS NEVER PLAYED BETTER…JUST WATCH THE 100,000 PEOPLE AT ROCK IN RIO…I GIVE YOU ALL AN A+ FOR CREATIVE SPECULATIONS BUT I CERTAINLY DID NOT HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR A SEIZURE ((UNLESS JOE PERRY IS TAKIN’ A RIPPIN’ LEAD))…SORRY TO HAVE CUT THE TOUR SHORT BUT I HAD TO HAVE A PROCEDURE THAT ONLY MY DOC IN THE STATES COULD PERFORM…WE’VE BEEN TO TEL AVIV… TO RUSSIA… TO RIO… AND ALL THE IN BETWEEN…I GUESS IT’S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY …”THAT LIFE’S A PISSER WHEN EU’RE A PEEIN’….”
Good to know Steven is feeling well enough to crack some dad jokes. No details were given about what the procedure was but that pun he made about peeing has me speculating that it might have something to do with his junk. Because Steven’s junk has Seen. Some. Shit. Or, my favorite theory, Steven had to have an operation on his scarf hollow. Oh, you don’t know what a scarf hollow is? It’s an organ that only Steven and Johnny Depp-types have and it’s a large hollow sac which has a snozzle that runs up one arm. This organ is filled with many colorful scarves that are produced by the “vas kerchief” that can be eliminated by the a certain movement of the arm creating an endless, colorful stream of scarves at the wrist. There are only one or two doctors in the world who specialize in the scarf hollow and Steven’s is the absolute best.