I Can’t Wait To Hear About The Stupid Method Shit That Jared Leto Is Going To Do While Playing Hugh Hefner
It hasn’t even been a week since Hugh Hefner’s corpse moved next door to Marilyn Monroe’s corpse (in possibly related news, Marilyn Monroe’s corpse requested a crypt change), but Hollywood is already making moves to bring his biopic to the big screen. Brett Ratner (who directed the Rush Hour movies and who jacked his shrimp dick to Olivia Munn while eating actual shrimp) has been trying to get a Hugh Hefner biopic made for almost ten years. It’s now one step closer to happening, because the only actor who has truly ever acted Jared Leto has signed on to slip into some silk pajamas to play Hugh Hefner. This is great news for ophthalmologists, because they’re going to get a ton of new business from people who break their eye muscles from rolling them so hard while listening to how method Jared got to play Hef.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Brett Ratner’s Hef movie was originally at Universal Pictures, and Robert Downey Jr. was attached to star at one point. But that was a long time ago, and now Brett has the rights to Hef’s story and is planning to produce the movie through his own production company. Jared was gracious enough to offer up his thespian services, and Brett took him up on his offer. Brett stuck his tongue all the way up Jared’s method hole while saying this:
“Jared is an old friend. When he heard I got the rights to Hef’s story, he told me, ‘I want to play him. I want to understand him.’ And I really believe Jared can do it. He’s one of the great actors of today.”
Brett is also planning to reboot the 1960s talk show Playboy After Dark.
My thoughts are with Leonardo DiCaprio’s dick at this time. It’s only second to Hugh Hefner when it comes to fucking the most blonde models, and Brett didn’t even throw it a pity offer to play Hef. It must be so hurt, and tonight, it will cry milky tears onto the cooch of a blonde model.
And since Jared is as method as method can be and will really want to get into the mind of Hugh Hefner, I’m sure he’s going to put together one of Hef’s infamous conveyor belt fuck lines. You know, those lines of plastic blond Playmates who’d take turns riding Hef as Holly Madison’s janitor tongue stood in the wings waiting to clean up? Jared is totally going to do that to prepare to play Hef. But he may want to get insurance first, because if he doesn’t, many a chick is going to sue him for on-the-job injuries after breaking her poon on his supposed brick dick.