The good news is that Real Housewives will make a return to the glorious soft dick-shaped Sunshine State (oh, c’mon, I know I’m not the only one who see that when I look at a map!). The bad news is that it isn’t going to entail a return to Miami.
TMZ reports the Bravo bloodhounds are scouring Florida for a new franchise that won’t be Miami. Apparently, the low tide scent that always accompanied Joanna Krupa got to be too much for producers. I mean, alleged low tide scent! Kidding, it was ratings that bit them in their tanned and bleached assholes.
Real Housewives of Miami lasted three seasons and featured Joanna, Larsa Pippen, and – most importantly – La Bruja! Also known as Elsa Patton, she was Marysol Patton’s mother and made that show with her witchcraft and wisdom. La Bruja’s face hadn’t really moved much since the Cuban Missile Crisis, which is a marvel considering all the wine she tossed back. She always managed to upstage that group of 2s with her Miami Sound Machine set to 40.
A new location has yet to be decided but West Palm Beach, Boca Raton, and Ft. Lauderdale are apparently all in the running. Having grown up well below the Mason-Dixon, I think they’re really overlooking a prime reality TV opportunity by poo-poohing a location along the “Redneck Riviera.” Destin is twice as glamorous as any southern Florida city! Real Housewives of Destin would be ratings gold by luring in a couple of mini-golf and air-brushed T-shirt stand heiresses. Toss in a family who owns 45 Hooters along the Panhandle, and Andy Cohen will be able to build an east wing to his Fire Island shanty or wherever the fuck it is he lives on Long Island. In the meantime, I’ll be mourning never being able to see fresh episodes of La Bruja.