For weeks and weeks, the people of a neighborhood in Colorado Springs, CO have been wondering why a lady, who has been dubbed The Mad Pooper, has been terrorizing their lawns and parking lots with caca bombs she drops during her runs. What could it be? Does the chick have an evil roommate who gets revenge on her for not cleaning the toilet by spiking her breakfast protein shakes with Ex-Lax? Does a Bieber song regularly poop up on The Mad Pooper’s jogging playlist and the sound of his voice causes her to stop and take a shit wherever she’s at (that’s a natural reaction)? The people just wanted answers. Well, it looks like The Mad Pooper has finally let out something other than a lawn turd. She let out an explanation of sorts through a dude who claims to be a “family rep.”
KRDO says that the unnamed spokesman posted two videos on YouTube (which he later deleted) and didn’t use The Mad Pooper’s real name. He just called her “Shirley,” which may or may not be short for ShirleyYourAssCanHoldItBeforeYouFindAToilet. The Mad Pooper’s rep claims that she suffers from a traumatic brain injury. He says that The Mad Pooper also had gender reassignment surgery, and ever since then, she can’t hold her caca. The Mad Pooper is sorry, but her rep says it’s not her fault and her public pooping is protected under the First Amendment. He also compared her taking a dump on someone else’s lawn to mothers breastfeeding their kids in public.
The Mad Pooper’s mouthpiece apparently refused to answer KRDO’s questions and also refused to show proof that he knows her.
As for that First Amendment and breastfeeding shit, KRDO spoke to a criminal defense attorney named Jeremy Loew who says that the First Amendment protects our right to spew shit from our mouths, but it doesn’t protect us from spewing actual shit on private property. Jeremy Loewe says that The Mad Pooper’s explanation is as crappy as the ass dumplings she leaves on lawns.
Loew even said that she could be facing indecent exposure charges, which might land her on the sex offender registry.
The Mad Pooper has been shitting on lawns for several weeks, and there’s apparently several public bathrooms around where she runs, so many aren’t buying her explanation.
But The Mad Pooper really shit the lawn this time. I mean, comparing pooping on a lawn to breastfeeding? The La Leche League alarm probably rang louder than ever and now she’s at the top of their enemies list. The La Leche League never plays. Saying that repeatedly shitting on private property is like public breastfeeding is the equivalent of saying that Beyonce can’t sing while in the middle of a Beyhive swarm. You don’t say it unless you really want to know what it feels like to have your skin removed by human fingers.
The Mad Pooper better invest in a few sturdy running diapers. Because the next time she’s out running, she won’t have time to poop since she’ll be too busy running for her life from the La Leche League.