Spin cycle classes, UGG stores and Starbucks all across middle America will be emptier than Chip Gaines’ head today, because all basic moms will be at home blasting a Sam Smith song from their Spotify playlist as hot tears fly out of their ducts as they clutch the giant clock they bought on sale at Magnolia Market. Because the King and Queen of Waco, Chip and Joanna Gaines, announced today that the fifth season of their extremely popular HGTV show, Fixer Upper, will be its last.
This isn’t only tragic news for Fixer Upper fans. It’s tragic news for HGTV. Where oh where are they going to find another renovatin’ couple consisting of a bland husband who plays dumb and a bland wife who rolls her eyes at his quirkiness and lets him know that she wears the “pants” in the family, Mr. Man! Where are they going to find another rare gem of a couple like that? It’s not like HGTV doesn’t have a thousand other shows like that. My prayers are with them today.
Chip and Joanna broke up with their viewers with a post on their blog, saying that they’re just too busy to collect a check by doing the same thing to every rundown house they renovate. They want to spend more time with their kids and their businesses, and their decision has nothing to do with that scam skincare line (which means it probably has everything to do with it). Their entire statement is on their blog, but here’s a piece of it.
It is with both sadness and expectation that we share the news that season 5 of Fixer Upper will be our last. While we are confident that this is the right choice for us, it has for sure not been an easy one to come to terms with. Our family has grown up alongside yours, and we have felt you rooting us on from the other side of the screen. How bittersweet to say goodbye to the very thing that introduced us all in the first place.
This has been an amazing adventure! We have poured our blood, sweat and tears into this show. We would be foolish to think we can go and go and fire on all cylinders and never stop to pause. Our family is healthy and our marriage has honestly never been stronger. This has nothing to do with a fraudulent skincare line or anything else you’ll inevitably read. This is just us recognizing that we need to catch our breath for a moment. Our plan is to take this time to shore up and strengthen the spots that are weak, rest the places that are tired and give lots of love and attention to both our family and our businesses.
They say that they will still renovate houses in Waco, and run their magazine, store, restaurant and bed and breakfast, as well as work on their home line for Target. Basically, they’re never going to go hungry or thirsty, especially since they can always wet their mouths with the tears of the gays their church reportedly hates!
But why are the Gaines going out while on top? It could be a few things. Did one of the other HGTV stars (the original Flip or Flop couple, totally) get their hands on a video of Chip trolling for dick in a Waco public restroom and are using it to blackmail the Gaines?! Did Chip wake up one day and tell Joanna that he’s always hated barn doors and so their marriage is on the verge of a breakdown? Did the citizens of Waco plead with Chip and Joanna to stop the show because they’re sick of being known as shiplap central and would rather be known as “that death cult town”?
We may never know the truth, but I do know that I’m going to immediately start a business selling shiplap coffins. Because the hardcore fans of Fixer Upper are going to want one since they have nothing to live for anymore!!!