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The dreaded eye puffer test!
If you’ve been following the trials and tribulations of my left eyeball, then you know that over a month ago, the ungrateful piece of stupid trash that is my left retina (I’m wearing an eyepatch right now, so it can’t see what I wrote about it. Tricked that bitch!) tried to do what many boyfriends have done before: leave me! My left retina detached and had to be lasered back on. Since my left retina has stayed attached and hasn’t yet pulled a Joey in that very special episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 by running away, I’m going to ease back into posting my regular dose of foolishness on Dlisted.
There is a chance that my left retina my do the fuck this bounce and detach again after my medical bills start trickling in and I find out how much I owe. I may also need to step away from Dlisted again (and let Allison once again take over brilliantly for me) for more surgeries, like cataract surgery. Apparently some retinal detachment surgeries cause your cataract to go full memaw in wraparound shades. I hear you cackling at my grandpa eyes. Shut up, hand me my heaviest chancleta and bend over, because I’m your abuelita now. And now on to today’s HSOTD, which is eye-related, because you know, I haven’t been up to my eyeballs in enough eye-related shit.
I’ve been to the ophthalmologist at least 5,688 times in the past few weeks and every time I go, my eyeballs are put through the same tests, including the test where they check to see if my eye pressure is normal or if my eyes are as swollen as an extra large nutsack in an extra tight ball stretcher. It’s the test for glaucoma, and in the past, it’s been tested with the nerve-killing air puff test. But at the ophthalmologist I’ve been going to lately, they don’t do the air puff test on me. They check my pressure with some sad and ugly pen that doesn’t blow my eyes. It looks the saddest vibrator ever made.
It is no eye puffer test. If you’ve never put your eyes through the torture method known as the eye puffer test, it’s basically a test where you sit on one side of a machine and the doctor or a tech sits on the other side. You rest your chin on the machine’s little plastic chin chaise and stare at a light. The doctor or tech then shoots a small puff of air (aka a ghost’s tiny jizz load) onto your eye to test its inside pressure. Some people hate hate hate that test and afterward they need a crowbar to pry open their ass cheeks which clenched together while anticipating the air nut to the eye. But not me!
The air puffer test was one of the only times of the year when I got some kind of blowjob. So yeah, if you work at an optometrist’s office and get a call from a strung-out sounding gay dude who desperately asks if you’ve got one of those eye beej machines, you know who it is and you know who to put on your “banned for life patients” list.
Pics: iStock, ikisstc