According to Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne has a type. And that type is largely based on proximity and convenience. Sharon says that Ozzy has had six mistresses over the courses of their 35 year marriage and that he was super lazy about how he courted them. Only six? Sure, Jan.
Sharon recently sat down with The Telegraph (via People) to talk about her shit with Ozzy. Here’s a sampling of who Ozzy allegedly got down with during their marriage:
[Sharon] said he cheated on her with “some Russian teenager, then a masseuse in England, our masseuse out here, and then our cook. He had women in different countries. Basically, if you’re a woman giving Ozzy either a back rub or a trolley of food, God help you.”
Sharon’s never been one to shy away from the truth so her capping the number of mistresses at six seems calculated. Maybe Sharon’s numerologist gave her that number because it represents some cosmic symmetry. Or maybe we are just supposed to be smart enough to realize that the real number is actually 666. At any rate, we now know that Ozzy is a serial happy-ender on top of being nanny catnip.
Sharon and Ozzy almost called it quits for real last year when Sharon found Ozzy screwing a hairdresser. Sharon says she was shocked!!!…but she also managed to throw a little shade at Ozzy’s side-piece.
“When I found out about the hairdresser, I couldn’t believe it. Because none of these women were show ponies. He was doing it to fill the void in some way.”
I’m still struggling with the mental image of some lady rolling up on Ozzy with a food cart full of sausage rolls and a bottle of massage oil. And now that image has been muddled with images of ponies parading around with flapping ribbons.
It’s also confusing me mathematically and sexually. Can we count again? Russian teen, 1. Masseuse, 2. Second Masseuse, 3. Cook/sausage trolley lady, 4. Hairdresser, 5. So who are we missing?! Who is the elusive 6th mistress and what country is she from? Maybe she’s hiding out somewhere with the other 601 dedicated service personnel who have sacrificed themselves at the altar of lazy peen.