Open Post: Hosted By The Donkey That Mistook A $365,000 Sports Car For A Carrot

Well, they’re both orange. And carrots can grow really big. (I’m trying to help the donkey here.) The Associated Press (via Jalopnik) has introduced us to Vitus the donkey from the German town of Giessen. Vitus noticed that a human named Markus Zahn had parked his $365,000 orange McLaren Spider in his immediate vicinity. Well, what the hell does a donkey know about cars? It’s orange so it’s just a giant carrot to him! So he tried to eat it.

Donkey mistakes orange #McLaren 650S for carrot, lands owner £5,000 bill ?? https://t.co/RdH7IeRvIv pic.twitter.com/OW1limiRGb

— Car Waffle (@CarWaffle) September 29, 2017

This happened last year, and Mr. Zahn says that Vitus did about $6,800 worth of damage. Vitus must have some set of choppers on him.

It got somewhat ugly. Markus sued Vitus’ owners after they refused to pay for damages. They argued that he shouldn’t have parked his car there. To be fair, most people don’t worry about donkeys eating their cars. The judge must have though so, too, because Vitus’ humans had to pay. So I guess they’re going to have to put some sort of sign up about Vitus?

Pic: AP

Kristin Davis Really Wanted “Sex And The City 3” To Happen

Kristin Davis is probably not going to sign Kim Cattrall up for the Sex Toy of the Month club for Christmas like she planned (nothing says Warm Holiday Wishes like a new dildo every month). Brooke from Melrose Place says it’s “deeply frustrating” that Sex and the City 3 is deader than our political system. It turns out that Kim Cattrall realizes that no one wants to see Samantha Jones removing her dentures and putting them in a cup of Polident on the nightstand so she can blow the UPS guy on the big screen. Kim put the kibosh on the film by refusing to be in it. Speaking of sending people gifts to show your appreciation, are we all chipping in on an Edible Arrangement to send to Kim to thank her for sparing us that particular hardship?

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Simon Cowell Says The New “American Idol” Shouldn’t Have Judges

I know, Simon. Katy Perry has spoiled a lot of things for me, too (short hair, award show monologues , Orlando Bloom). Unrepentant bitch in a v-neck sweater Simon Cowell made himself a household name by being the cruel one on the original American Idol. ABC is bringing the show back despite it only having gone off the air last year. And Simon’s got opinions. (It took 35 years to get a sequel to Blade Runner, you desperate-for-advertising dollars hoes!) Continue reading

Jim Carrey’s Deceased Ex-Girlfriend Made Some Serious Allegations Against Him

Hope you’re having a good weekend. Jim Carrey’s probably not. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective should have maybe been called Ace Ventura, Incredibly Bad Influence according to a letter allegedly written by the actor’s ex-girlfriend Cathriona “Cat” White. Carrey is currently being sued for wrongful death by Cat’s estranged husband Mark Burton and her mother Brigid Sweetman. She committed suicide by overdosing on drugs in September of 2015, and they’ve accused him of using a false name to provide her with said drugs. Cat had been Carrey’s on-again-off-again ex since 2012. Continue reading

Tori Spelling And Benihana Settled Up

The arid wasteland that is desperate housewife Tori Spelling’s checking account looks to have received a blessed shower of money. Tori has reportedly settled her lawsuit against grilled deliciousness chain Benihana out of court. Every employee of the L.A. branch of the IRS turned their heads in Tori’s direction in perfect velociraptor synchronicity after reading TMZ’s report that she’s most likely getting a check for something. At least one that wasn’t signed “Candy Spelling, Disappointed Mom” They shouldn’t get too excited. Most of that money is going to keep that mini-mall plastic surgeon she uses on retainer and the rest is earmarked for diapers for the many children that they probably can’t afford. Continue reading

Hot Slut Of The Day!

Zion, the umbrella dancing Australian Shepherd from Denmark!

We all woke up today to another wall of extra chunky diarrhea spewed out of the Twitter of the Ninth Circle’s inspiration of the year when he attacked the Mayor of San Juan and responders in Puerto Rico and turned himself into the real victim from the comfort of his dry lair. So because of that, some of us could use a little temporary sunshine of pure joy, and Zion the dancing Australian Shepherd has answered the call and HOW!

Every aspiring Broadway dancer can go ahead and cancel all of their fancy dance classes, because Zion here can teach them everything they need to learn when it comes to impeccable technique and next-level showmanship. The municipality of Brøndby is now known as the dance capital of Denmark thanks to this video filmed by Zion’s human. If you don’t believe in reincarnation, this video will turn you into a believer, because it’s obvious that Gene Kelly lives in the body of this furry wonder!

And in an emergency room somewhere, RiRi has just checked in after suffering from a serious case of SHOOK from watching Zion work an umbrella like no other.

Pic: YouTube via Tastefully Offensive