Entertainment Weekly recent sat down with Jennifer Lawrence to talk about that mess of a movie mother! Audiences haven’t exactly responded to it the same way critics have, and Paramount has been flooding the press in hopes of changing everyone’s tune about the mother!fucking flop they got themselves into. Somehow in the span of talking about the movie’s super super deep undertone, the interviewer and JLaw got to talking about airplanes. And how, you know, Jennifer was once a psycho on a flight who screamed about the plane crashing.
Warner Bros. dropped the first official trailer for Tomb Raider, and we finally got to see Alicia Vikander as Lara Croft in action. Yup, there she is, raidin’ tombs and poppin’ nerd boners. The legacy of Lara Croft lives on!
Something nasty is afoot in the Los Angeles gated community that Kathy Griffin and her boyfriend Randy Bick have called home for about a year. Kathy’s neighbor, CEO of KB Home Jeffrey Mezger, was caught on tape unfurling a spool of profane insults that would make a Scaramucci blush when he confronted Randy about a noise complaint filed against him.
On today’s episode of This Has Happened Before And It Will Happen Again, a fermented naranja in a blond weave named Jessica Simpson was her usual kind of drunk last night and had to be helped to her car by her husband/human walking stick Something McWhatsHisFace. Now, ever since I had eyeball surgery five weeks ago, I’ve been off the booze, which is why my sober liver is singing “I’ve Never Had This Feeling Before” and also why BevMo! calls me daily to tell me how much they miss me. Since I’m a lightweight now, I got a quick, but fulfilling buzz, just from inhaling the vodka, gin, wine, whiskey, hand sanitizer, alcohol wipes breath wafting out of Jessica’s boozing hole. So thanks for that, Messica! A free buzz is always a good buzz.
And Jessica may consider becoming a polygamist so that she can marry another human walking stick, because it looks like she needs extra help.
You know you’re a next level kind of drunk when you’re the only one playing limbo with a limbo pole only you can see.
Kevin Hart has recently found himself in a lot of trouble, which is a bit of an oxymoron for such a tiny guy. After previously laughing off rumors of shady backseat doings with a woman who wasn’t his pregnant wife Eniko Parrish, he apologized and said someone was trying to extort him with videotaped evidence of cheating. There were reportedly three videos; one involved Kevin getting cozy with a woman named Montia Sabbag, and another of Kevin and Montia allegedly having sex.
Montia got a lawyer, the ever-present during a celebrity mess Lisa Bloom, and held a press conference earlier today about this extortion situation with Kevin Hart.
There’s some people whose assholes refuse to spit out a turd unless they are in the privacy of their own bathroom. Then there’s other people whose assholes never get the shies and can easily make a caca anytime, anyplace. One of those kinds of people is now terrorizing a family in Colorado Springs, CO by doing drive-by poopings on their front lawn. The family is pissed about the pooping, which is weird since the cost of lawn manure is too damn high and they’re getting that shit for free.