Because Lady Gaga is the Jennifer Jason Leigh to Madonna’s Bridget Fonda in the Single White Female charade known as pop music, it’s well past time to drop her video extravaganza EXPOSÉ. You know, the kind that goes behind closed doors and lets us fans and nosy assholes see what it’s like when the curtain goes down, the corset comes off, and she lets out the queef she’s been holding in since she belted out “Poker Face” two songs into her set at the Staples Center. She’s dropping a documentary about herself called Five Foot Two on Netflix on September 22, and a slew of clips are all over her Instagram.
She presumably goes into life post-Taylor Kinney in this one:
Floundering in the bath sobbing about being alone? Throw in a grumpy attitude about why it’s taking so fucking long for GrubHub to show up with some goddamn chicken crispers, and you may as well have taken a Flip Cam shot of me last Saturday.
Of course, the best is when she hints that she’ll snatch that cup of “reductive” tea from Memaw Madge’s icy claws and let her know her real feelings:
I like how she said “I admired her,” but I only wish she had just been honest and added “…until that clown from Michigan posing as a New Yawkah tried to label ME as the phony!” Instead, she looks down at her Virginia Slim (I’m not sure why this is taking place on a parking garage floor next to a sedan?) and says:
“The only thing that really bothers me about her is…”
And then it fades out the like the end of a throwback episode of All My Children. OMG NETFLIX, YOU CRUEL BITCH. I have to steal someone’s login information AND wait until September 22 to find out what really bothers Gaga about Madge? I mean, let me count the possibilities! That Madonna’s voice isn’t as strong? That Madonna manages to defy logic and physics every time she’s seen in print? Or maybe it’s how Madonna pretends she’s too busy posing to compliment Gaga on her over-the-top ensembles at the Met Gala? That’s got to be it.