People have been hisssss-terical (shut up, I tried) since Taylor Swift reemerged from her short-lived social media blackout to post a snake video on said accounts yesterday. She dropped another one two hours ago, and it seems like the only thing you’re going to hear in your Uber Friday is some hokey pop song about meanie pants boys or backstabby non-girl’s girls. Or maybe she could throw us for a loop and it’ll just be a song about everyone getting along and will feature Katy Perry, so her former friend can finally get a new Billboard hit. HA! Did you think I was being serious?! You don’t get a gazillion-dollar Diet Coke contract by being genuinely nice to anyone!
Us Weekly reports a new TSwift track will drop on Friday, and it will naturally be followed up with an appearance at the Katy-hosted Video Music Awards this Sunday, because the only thing Taylor loves more than kittens, cocoa, and a Hallmark Movie Channel night-in is upstaging that huss. No word yet if there will be a performance together, or if Taylor will just nudge her nemesis off the stage like Kanye West did many moonmen ago. Just kidding, she would never do that. Tay got a career built on public sympathy out of that, and it’s the last thing she wants for that meanie faced brat from Vacation Bible Study! A source gave album deets to Us:
“She’s aiming to release an album this fall. She’s continuing down the pop route because 1989 was a huge success and fans really gravitated toward that album. She knows there’s a demand for a new album and has really started focusing on making that happen for fans. She’s just excited to get back out there.”
SNOOZE! I was hoping she would do a U-turn back to Nashville, dress in a black cowboy hat and sexy side stare, and give us a Merle Haggard drag king album we all secretly want and need!
Speaking of drags, I think we are overlooking the real victim of this album, and, no, it isn’t Katy. Believe it or not, Justin Bieber’s “Despacito” is on track to topple Mariah Carey’s “One Sweet Day” for longest number one single in the U.S. I would hate to be the poor minion at Caesars Palace who had to dip his head into the diamond-bedazzled room to let her know she might lose her top of the charts reign. Mariah may not speak normal English, but the one thing that girl knows is bragging rights.
Considering Taylor comes laden with a vengeful attitude toward Selena Gomez’s ex and fans who Karlie Kloss taught to kode and krack the symbol of the new single, her new song is certain to halt the Canadian dipshit’s song from snatching the crown off Mimi. Brace yourselves, puppies of America… she might celebrate this “sustainable record moment, dahhhhhling” by breaking out what’s left of the whistle register. Gird your loins AND your ears!