Ever since that time Tiger Woods’ wife beat him like he stole something after discovering his Soul Train line of side pieces, I haven’t looked at him the same way. He’s gone from hot commodity to hot mess in a matter of years. But even his antics make other hot messes tilt their head to the side and say “Damn homie,” especially after his DUI back in May. Yesterday the toxicology report from that arrest was released and it confirms that yes, Tiger was purring and slurring off some damn good pills. But he failed to mention that there was weed in his system as well.
TMZ revealed the details of the report from that night when a totally tanked Tiger was tippin’ in his heels off of five different drugs. Let’s take a trip back in time to when Tiger failed miserably at acting sober.
Ooooh, Tiger you tried it! There’s no way in hell he should have been driving anything other than a car in Grand Theft Auto V. And even then, his ass should have gotten 5 stars and a police chase for this fuckery. According to the report, apparently Tiger was starring in a self-funded one-man-show version of Valley of the Dolls featuring the painkiller Dilaudid, a generic version of Vicodin called Hydrocodone, Ambien, Xanax and the main chemical in marijuana THC (which should stand for The Heavenly Chemical because WOOO!) Tiger initially mentioned the pills, but like I mentioned above, he never admitted to the weed. He probably forgot because, you know, it’s weed.
Woods had chalked up the arrest to an unexpected reaction to prescription medication — “I didn’t realize the mix of medications affected me so strongly.”
He never mentioned weed.
Woods announced he was getting treatment after the arrest and later struck a deal with prosecutors to enter a DUI diversion program.
The program essentially means Woods gets 12 months probation and he’s required to complete DUI education classes.
I’m sure the last thing Tiger wanted was for this information to get out, but as soon as it became public knowledge, he released a statement (via E!):
“As I previously said, I received professional help to manage my medications. Recently, I had been trying on my own to treat my back pain and a sleep disorder, including insomnia, but I realize now it was a mistake to do this without medical assistance. I am continuing to work with my doctors, and they feel I’ve made significant progress,” the athlete told E! News. “I remain grateful for the amazing support that I continue to receive and for the family and friends that are assisting me.”
Yes, because people who have back pain and can’t sleep also need to take a few tokes before going on a White Castle run, right Tiger? In the words of MC Lyte, “Leave them drugs alone!” You’re a golfer Tiger. You’re not about the rock star life brotha, because obviously the shit don’t agree with you. Go teach miniature golf to kids for a while until you get your life together. Just don’t hit on their mothers. We all know you’re addicted to sinking your balls into too many holes at once.